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Month: February 2024

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Drafts and a Update

Posted on by RAVIOLIS

I’ve been in and out of it the last few days. I’ve been just so exhausted and mostly just been sleeping, probably the flu. I don’t have much to say so instead I will toss out some drafts I was working on instead of any diary updates for today. One thing that I have gotten done is that, I’ve got my YouTube feed hashed out some. It will be a stiched-together composite of my bird cam video feed with a poor-quality voice-over of what I’ve learned about the birds visiting my bird feeder. It would be a neat way to learn about birds since I don’t have enough time to run down to the park to watch constantly. The website will slowly start to focus more and more on bird watching and less on the emotional hardship that I’ve been going through with the loss of my girlfriend. I still am completely in disbelief that she did this to me and threw everything we had together away. It’s unfortunate; I just am processing it all one day at a time. My goal is to start focusing more on birding and photography, and I don’t know what the blog will become. It might just become a diary or journal in the end. I doubt I’ll have time to make it into anything educational or enriching. I’ve also got to figure out where I’m planning to put my weight loss information at. I have kind of plateaued since my girlfriend left me, and it’s been hard to focus on anything. I’d love to figure that out as well though.

As I sit here reminiscing, I can’t help but think of my grandmother’s long-haired gray-black cat. Despite being a beautiful feline, it was always in a bad mood, hissing and growling at me whenever I tried to get close to it. I remember chasing it under the dining table, desperate to play with it, but it would always run away from me. Looking back, I realize that the cat may not have been as mean as I thought it was. Perhaps I was just an overly enthusiastic kid who didn’t give the cat enough time to warm up to me.

It was only a few years ago that I finally got my cats – two adorable sisters who were fostered from a young age. However, just like my grandmother’s cat, they, too, were not fond of strangers and would often run away and hide when visitors came over. This made me reflect on how our perspectives and the information we have can significantly impact our understanding of a situation. Things are seldom as black and white as they seem, and it’s essential to take a step back and consider all the factors at play before jumping to conclusions.

You always find out who your friends are in the end. I have always felt like real friends don’t truly exist. People stick around when it works out and they leave when it doesn’t. There’s nothing wrong with that and it really is only natural for people to be that way. But everyone tries to sell you on the fact that they will somehow be different. That they aren’t just the same as everyone else and in my experience the ones that want you to believe they are special are the ones that are worst of the lot.

I can think of so many times in my life where I have seen this come true. One of the earliest was with my father. He had a close friend that he drank with all the time. They would work on projects and hunt together, but mostly, they got drunk together. That was what their relationship was really about. They’d drink so much that they eventually started recycling beer cans and had collector’s items from beer companies from all the tabs and sweepstakes-type junk. They were true alcoholics and proud of it. That was until my dad had a stroke. When that happened, everything changed. His best bud disappeared almost overnight. Even after Dad mainly recovered, and I use mostly loosely here because he was never the same guy, his best friend quit coming over little by little. You see, Dad couldn’t drink like he used to or be one of the guys. So, his friend didn’t have a reason to be my dad’s buddy anymore.

That’s just one example of what I mean. I saw this kind of thing happen over and over throughout the years, and it has always stuck with me and made me realize how impermanent and fickle relationships are. People always brag about how they have been best friends with someone since high school, but usually, when I pry into what that means, it’s just a facade. Sure, they chat from time to time on the phone. They’ll even get together once every few years to celebrate their friendship, but they both know those days are gone. They are just celebrating what was and not what is now. I find that friendship the saddest of them all when you think about it.

Titmouse & 4AM

Posted on by RAVIOLIS

I haven’t been feeling all that well, and I’m struggling to find time to write right now. I just hope I am not getting sick. It was around this time last year that I got ill as well. It seems like I am always alone this time of year, and it’s honestly just started to make me suspicious about many things. I realize that I have been treated really horribly for a long time. I hate so much that I let myself be treated this way for so long, and I really wish that I would have realized the cycles of abuse years ago. Anyway, Let me tell you what I’ve been up to instead of kicking a dead horse.

The latest cool thing I’ve managed to get done is a new bird feeder I installed the other day. I’m thrilled that it has a built-in camera, and this morning, I was excited to see that it had captured some activity. The first visitor was a bit of a mystery, and even after using an AI bird identification software, I’m left with two possibilities – a female brown-headed cowbird or a female house finch. It’s fascinating how much there is to learn about birds, and I’m excited to see what feathered friends will show up in my feeders each day. It’s a great way to entertain myself while working and doing my daily chores.

I’m not planning to go out and take pictures of birds, but I’m considering visiting Conestee on Sundays. It’s a popular spot for bird enthusiasts, and who knows, I’ll make a friend or two. I’m trying to stay positive and let go of my past. Birding is a fun hobby, and I’m learning something new daily. For example, I recently discovered that the cowbird is the only parasite bird in South Carolina. I didn’t know that we had any at all. It’s fantastic to learn how some birds lay their eggs in another bird’s nest and let them raise their young for them. And to think that I captured one of them on camera!

The other visitor to my feeder was a tufted titmouse. I don’t know much about this bird yet, but I love saying the name. Did you know that there are over 1000 bird species in total? I’d like to understand how many of them I will be able to see in my lifetime. I could see 300 if I stick to my local area and visit Conestee regularly. However, I would like to know if I can travel to see different birds.

To keep myself busy, I recently received a membership card to the zoo. So, I have a lot of activities to do now. I plan to write in this blog every day, and I’ve even purchased a little Bluetooth keyboard to help me keep up with my writing while at work. My goal is to write 1000 words a day, and I’m even thinking about writing parts of my book as segments that end up on the blog. I’ll write about whatever comes to mind, but when I feel like getting back to the book, it will be that day’s 1000 words. I’m hoping to finish the book by the end of the year. It doesn’t need to be super long – just ten chapters that chronicle how I dealt with trauma and abuse.

It’s been a long day, and I’m still at work until 2 am. Then, I have to give a co-worker a ride home. But I’m grateful I’ve found ways to keep myself busy and entertained before I go. Birding has offered me a new focus to help me keep my mind off how heartbroken I am, and I’m excited to see where this journey takes me.

Update: My co-worker took forever again. I will have to say no next week if they still don’t have a car. I can’t be up at 4 am. I need to get to bed, and I feel exhausted. I’ll do my best to have this ready to put online as soon as possible. I hope to keep up with posting something every day. 

MARLBORO Date 3

Posted on by RAVIOLIS

It always felt like we were kids exploring the world for the first time back then. Everywhere we went was always a new, bright adventure, and you were always so happy and excited to see the world with me. Your eyes would shine with love and adoration. It seemed like you were always smiling back then. By the time we decided to meet for the 3rd time, we had always chosen to sleep together. Of course, I was still unsure if you wanted to be with me, and you never would give me any affirmations that what we had was anything more than a friendship. That was something that always weighed heavily on me.

From the beginning until the end, you always made it clear that you would never settle down with me. It was always so difficult to get you to agree to anything you hadn’t already decided to do anyway. I tried repeatedly to make you want something more serious with me. That way, I could know if things were real, trust in us, and begin to move forward with you. Yet, even something as simple as a promise ring was too much. Six years, and I couldn’t even get you to wear a ring. How sad.

For our third trip, we went to Marlboro County. It took you a good hour to show up, longer than I did. I went around for a little while before we met and took pictures of the cotton fields and scenery. I remember realizing I had never really taken the time to appreciate the scenery in my state or recognize just how many cotton crops there were and how large they could be either. During our entire time together, I felt like I was learning something new every time we went out, and I know you felt that way too.

We also didn’t spend that much time exploring on this trip. Out of all the trips we took in the first several months together, this one had the few natural destinations. The reason for that is pretty apparent, too. We were focused on getting to the Breeden Inn and making love. We even arrived to check in at 3 pm, the earliest you could arrive anyway. I felt it was super romantic getting an Inn for our first time together, and you thought it was special, too, because you made sure to take several pictures of the place.

The coolest thing that we did before we made our way to the Inn that day was take pictures of the Robert Memorial School that was abandoned. This was also the first time that you opened up to me about your beliefs and past. I remember you told me how you believed in ghosts and had visited another old abandoned school in Massachusetts, too. That was the first time. It also dawned on me that this wasn’t your first time doing this with strangers. I was one of many guys you’d gone exploring with and found to entertain you. I didn’t let it get to me, though, because I was happy to have made a new friend and excited to spend time with you.

The abandoned school was neat, and we stayed there taking pictures for a while. I am surprised that we sure were lucky we never fell through the floor at any of these places. It was incredible how fortunate we were and that no one ever got upset that we were there or bothered us. One thing I always regretted and was disappointed about was that you never would let me record you. I only got a little footage of us exploring or talking or anything. I have always wondered why you refused to be on video, and it has always been another thing that has puzzled me to this day.

It would have been great if we had a lot of footage of some of these places we visited because, honestly, the pictures we took weren’t that great. Sure, they are fine enough for some urban exploration web pages, and that’s cool, but they aren’t much to look at. I thought I would be more impressed when I looked through them again, but I wasn’t. Instead, they are mostly just a blurry mess. Sure, some of them turned out ok, but we were both still learning to use our cameras. I wish I had more recordings of your voice. It seems like with all the smoking and behavioral changes that you have undergone through the years; you don’t even sound like the person I met anymore. I wish I had more recordings of that girl I met.

We visited the town center of Bennettsville, took pictures of some of the old buildings still standing, and got Mexican food for lunch. Then we stayed at the Inn for around 5 hours until we started to get hungry again and went out for some pizza. Those were the good days, and I had so much fun with you. From this day on, for over an entire year, you were an extremely sexual person full of passion and desire. I think we actually got together six times in December, and it was a very romantic time together.

If I could go back to this point of my life and relive it repeatedly, I would do that. Of course, I would have done many things differently and tried to be a far better man. All around, though, it was the best day of my life, and I’m happy for the photos we took and what memories I still have today about the time we shared. I know you can never go back, and I understand the person I knew is gone. That’s part of life and outliving people. They either die or they change. Nothing ever stays the same forever. You lose everything eventually, but you learn a lot and gain new things if you’re lucky. I want to avoid holding on to what was anymore. I like to appreciate and record here what I can about my life.

It might take me several times to revisit some of these memories and trips to go into detail about everything we did. All the places that we visited and all the fun we shared. Some of it is still too hard to discuss, having just lost my best friend only a few months ago. It will be far easier for me to discuss as the years pass. Still, some of these more romantic trips are best left unsaid. Some of the best times are forever locked away in my heart.

I’m really glad that I got the Flickr Pro account because I have been able to slowly try to get all the photographs I can from my life on the app. Each trip I took almost 1000 photos. So you can imagine It’s really a pain to try and go through them all. With Flickr it’s a lot easier and I can access them all from anywhere. Right now I’ve got about 30,000 photos I’ve been trying to sort. It’s sad that out of all those pictures only about 3000 of them are actually any good. I guess that’s the funny thing about photography though. You got to take 10 pictures to get one decent shot.

Anyway I got to start getting things cleaned up around the house. I ordered a new toy that I’m hoping I can integrate into this website eventually. It’ll be a sort of live stream update thing for birds I see around the house. you’ll just have to check back later to see what I mean. I’m also preparing a shop, advertisements, and other stupid silly stuff that we had planned on making years ago. I’m gonna get prints made and posters, I’m gonna try to get everything you ever wanted on this website. Even if I never hear from you again and I’m almost certain by now you will never even visit this website. It’s still nice to think that I finished our dream even if I did it alone.

Our Second Date in Lancaster (Part 2)

Posted on by RAVIOLIS

40 acre rock & Hanging Rock

During my visit to Lancaster, I found it remarkable how it served as an ideal midpoint in terms of distance for both of us. The commute was reasonable enough for each of us, creating a balanced environment for our initial interactions. Our connection swiftly blossomed, culminating in an intense, deep, passionate relationship as early as our second date. It was heartening to witness the rapid progression towards love and affection that we were sharing together. I thought we were beginning to have something special.

Our following location during the trip in Lancaster took us to Hanging Rock, which, while seemingly unassuming, carried historical weight due to its association with a past Revolutionary War battle that had taken place in this location. Although lacking overt embellishment, the rock’s simplicity allowed us to focus on each other. Its unpretentious allure provided an intimate backdrop for moments that further solidified our relationship. This experience marked a turning point, where she emerged as the focal point of my photographic endeavors. I took so many photographs of my dear Katarina and they all started here. She became my muse, prompting me to document our shared journey through countless snapshots over the ensuing years. Each image stands as a testament to our evolving connection and shared experiences. I hoped would eventually lead to a life together. Yet, as I discovered over time, that Katarina had many reservations on if she could ever truly give herself completely to me and instead remained aloof and out of reach year after year.

It is remarkable how individuals can undergo profound transformations, from the warmth and compassion they once exhibited to coldness and indifference. The stark contrast between who someone once was and who they have become can be truly astonishing.

Recalling moments of intimacy and connection, such as the serene day spent atop Hanging Rock, where the love and passion between us felt so real, only serves to highlight the immense shift in dynamics that subsequently ensued as the years passed by.

It is a taxing journey to embrace the past while acknowledging the present transformation of the person I thought I could trust and who would always love me. It shows me the fluidity of human nature, the impermanence of relationships, and the connections we believe we have built. I don’t think I will continue to discuss our first time making out in any further detail. I don’t know if I could handle writing about how affectionate we once were and how much love she had for me. How passionatly she kissed as we sat alone in the woods perched on top of the world together.  Instead, I will try to wrap up my thoughts and the remainder of our shared trip.

During our trip, we visited a 40-acre rock, which is a giant granite boulder of massive size. It was a popular spot, and there were several other people walking about as we explored. Although we took some photos, we had already used up most of the day by this point. Nevertheless, it was one of the most memorable spots we visited, and I would love to go back there sometime soon. In fact, I am thinking of making it the location of my weekend adventure, as it would only take me two and a half hours to reach the spot.

I think it would be a great idea to revisit some of the places we used to go, especially this one because I believe we missed out on seeing the waterfall and other things as well. There are so many places I would love to revisit, but for years now, I haven’t been able to because Katarina stopped traveling and exploring with me. She always has an excuse, mostly about her dog, as to why she couldn’t go. I tried to solve the problem by getting a carrier for the dog, but that didn’t work either. Eventually, I realized that she no longer had the energy to explore the world with me, and it was no longer her priority.

The realization that I can still revisit the many beautiful places my partner and I once explored together, even if I am alone, gives me a lot of hope and reason not to give up. Although it will be difficult to return to these places without her, I understand that I must accept the fact that the person I knew is no longer with me and try to move forward with my life. It is truly tragic that she is gone.

I don’t want to keep dwelling on the past anymore. Instead, I like to focus on my present story. It’s hard to think back to the time when she loved me. Even though I wish I could preserve my memories of everything we shared, I am unsure if I can handle it. We once shared much love, but she changed dramatically and became a different person. It still leaves me feeling unsettled with everything I thought I knew about life. There were many signs of her transformation, but I always hoped she would come around and be a good wife someday. However, seeing her spend all her time drinking and frequenting the most low-life bars has completely broken my heart and left me in shock. I don’t even know how to make sense of it all.

Our Second Date in Lancaster (Part 1)

Posted on by RAVIOLIS

Our Second Date in Lancaster The Abandoned Water Park

11/25/2017

We shared a favorite website that inspired us to find exciting places to explore nearby. We couldn’t afford to travel the world or go on expensive vacations, so discovering new things in our local area was a great way to satisfy our wanderlust. Katarina was particularly drawn to this idea, which was one reason she wanted to meet me. She’s always had a curious and adventurous personality, and exploring new scenarios and meeting new people is something she enjoys. It didn’t take long for us to develop feelings for each other, as we had been flirting since our first meeting. By our second meeting, we were both interested in being together romantically. I later found out that Katarina had ended a casual relationship with another man before we met that had started similarly to how we met. It was clear that she had already been looking to spend time with different men and was hoping to get out in the world after moving back to South Carolina.

You need to understand the context of our situation, as it might appear strange to someone who wasn’t aware of our background or understood what drove us to meet how we did. Only some people are willing to go out with a stranger from the internet every weekend in various locations across the state, hoping for romance and adventure. However, this is how our story began, and it was an exciting journey that we both enjoyed for a long time. It almost felt like we were living in a romance novel. Unfortunately, as with most stories, things didn’t end up as we had hoped, and Katarina eventually left me for new adventures with new friends.

That’s enough background, though, so imagine being in my shoes, and you’re about to meet a pretty girl you know nothing about for the second time. We had kissed goodbye a week ago, and now we were finally getting to hang out once more. I remember feeling intensely attracted to Katerina and was curious if we might want to be with me. I tried to impress her and be as fun as possible. So, for our second date, I planned something adventurous – an abandoned water park. I was surprised that Katerina was so willing to go into such a dangerous place when I asked her what she thought about going into such a secluded place with me since she knew nothing about me or the abandoned location I was taking her to. Even so, she seemed more than willing and excited at the idea.

There were a few other locations that I wanted us to try and get photographs of as well, so I put together a map of all the exciting places we could go in a single day. We planned to meet at dawn and drive around taking pictures until dusk. It was a several-hour drive to the meeting place in Lancaster, so I had to get up to drive to see her when it was still dark outside. When I arrived at the depot, our agreed-upon meeting spot, before we headed to the water park, I thought we could visit the museum beside where we had parked. However, to my disappointment, I found that the museum was closed, and we couldn’t go inside and check it out. Instead, we saw some old railcars across the road to take pictures of for a while and get in the mood to explore. I was excited and hoped she was still into me as she seemed during our chats online over the last week. However, she hadn’t tried to kiss me again so far as she did at the end of our previous trip, and I was unsure how to proceed. I still had the feeling in my gut she was looking for a buddy and that I wouldn’t ever amount to anything to her. I knew that I was out of her league and she would never be able to love me.

So, after we had taken some photos of the old railcars, I decided to get going for the day. We had a long and busy day of exciting places I had found for us to visit. You see, neither one of us was from this area at all. I lived in the upstate of South Carolina, and she lived by the sea. We agreed to meet after our first time having out, and while things still hadn’t become a proper date, I believed they might since our first kiss a week before. It became a bit of a theme that she would never really commit or show interest in anything, but I continued to persist because she was gorgeous, and I wanted her very dearly.

I had a lot planned for the day, so I asked her if she wanted to ride with me again, and she said yes. Our next destination was the abandoned water park called Springs Park, which was built almost 100 years ago in 1925. This was also the first abandoned place we had ever visited together, so there was a novelty and excitement in the air between us as we arrived at this location we weren’t supposed to be able to see. We had to walk past several signs telling us to keep out, and I was worried that Katarina would chicken out and be too afraid to keep going in. It was exciting to find such a prominent place hidden away in the middle of a forested area lost to time.

This park stands out in my memory as one of the most incredible places where we spent time together and a great place where we bonded a lot. We had a lot of fun taking pictures and playing with interesting photography ideas. We would take photographs in an empty concrete swimming pool for a while and then go up into the giant bleacher stands made of concrete to see if we could get some good photos there. It was so lovely to be so close to such a pretty girl. Although I wanted to kiss her so badly, I resisted the urge to make sure that she felt comfortable and respected in such a strange environment with me. Especially when we went down into the underground boiler room and in the dark, I remember she had asked me to help with her camera settings. The urge to kiss her was overwhelming when I leaned in to show her how she could change some of the settings to take a better shot in the darkness. I didn’t want to push my luck, though, especially in a place like a boiler room covered in graffiti and smelling of mold. as my first attempt to be with her. Although later on, we made it a habit of finding exciting places to make love, I still needed to find out if she liked me. Sure, we had kissed and flirted some, but I had yet to determine if things would get serious.

I have much more to write about what happened during our second date, and it was just the beginning of our trip. I had hoped to write more today, but I have not been feeling well mentally. I had a nightmare last night and broke down this morning, wishing I had someone to talk to who cared. I hope to finish this memory later and tell you about how we kissed on top of a hanging rock next time.

Winged Therapy

Posted on by RAVIOLIS

Discussion about my Memoir

So, I’ve decided that it’s probably a lot healthier and better for me if I focus more on healing now than focusing on the past or how terribly I was mistreated. It’s difficult for me to get past how low I let myself sink, thinking the person I loved would care about me. I was close to suicidal a few times, and my partner just shrugged off my complete existence while I begged on my knees for them to stay. I was ready for a real life with my girlfriend and hoped we had finally gotten on the same page after her past issues and ups and downs.

Instead of finding out that they were finally ready to straighten up, get off the drugs and drinking so heavily, and start treating me with respect and dedication, I found her choosing the drugs and bar over me instead. I really can’t think of a more horrible outcome after wasting six years thinking she could finally get it together and have a life with me. I had put everything out there hoping she could see my dedication and love and begin to give back, even if it would always be me doing most of the giving.

I had a home for us and offered her anything she could ever want or need. Yet, I was constantly being mistreated and having to deal with ridiculous behavior. Things got so bad that she literally had me pretend to be someone she barely knew so she could feel comfortable at the bar with her drinking buddies if I wanted to go out with her for the evening. She would act like we weren’t together to keep the appearance of availability. It started getting so bad that I could hardly believe this was the same person I used to know.

We rarely went anywhere or did anything together anymore because she was always too inebriated to simply function long enough for us to enjoy the day. I would have to endure countless mood swings and outrageous behavior more and more as time went on. She would find excuses to end our relationship, and I would still try to make things work out. Only to discover when we got back together that she had been spending all her time at the bar or an ex had been living with her for a while. I had sunk so low, thinking that this was someone I shared something special with and that the person I loved would eventually return.

That’s just some of what I went through over the last few years. Countless times, I would ask her to be there for me, and she would disappoint me without any reason and often do the opposite of what I needed. It started to feel like she was going into a really dark place and just wanted to make me feel miserable. Still, I just couldn’t let go. I didn’t know how to come to terms with this transition and the behavior that had been happening from the wonderful and unique person that I once knew.

So that’s what has made me decide that I really do need to do a lot of healing and recovery. I need to learn more about substance abuse and toxic personality traits. I need to spend time in nature, finding peace with the loss of my best friend and their total spiral into darkness. Nothing reaches her anymore, and there’s nothing I can really hope to do to help with the situation that she’s marching herself toward without reservations.

I admit that I couldn’t see myself with anyone else anymore. We had a real love story once and a passionate relationship that was really erotic and exciting. We used to make love in the wildest places and play like we were kids, exploring the world for the first time together. I felt a real connection and bond; I just couldn’t understand how that was lost. We had stayed together for over 6 years, with small breaks and ups and downs. So, I wanted to stick with it and make things work. She was gorgeous once as well, and I desired her very much before she became so enthralled with drug use and alcoholism.

So, my plan is to start focusing my energy and life on myself and my well-being. I realize I really did myself a lot of damage by staying in such a terrible relationship for so long and that now I need to really heal and get back on track. The best thing for me is to work on a book or memoir of my experience. I should take the time to reflect on how I got myself into such a situation and why I was so willing to continue to deal with it, even though I knew she would never love me or show me any respect. It got so bad that she even began to tell my family and friends shit about me just to hurt me. That was such a low blow that I can barely believe it today. This girl I loved and treated like a princess and would do anything for was going around saying horrible shit to people about me. I am too embarrassed to even go around the friends I made first that she usurped. Still, the fact she did the same thing to my family was really the worst of it all. I really believed she was a person I could trust. Someone who understood my problems and was on my side.

Here’s what I’m considering as of right now. A memoir or short book on my experience and recovery. I’ll summarize my thoughts and where things will be heading soon.

Chapter Breakdown of “Winged Therapy: Healing Through Birding”

  1. The Proposal: William reflects on the six years of his relationship, leading up to the moment he gathered his courage and offered Katarina a life together, a family, and a home, only to be met with rejection and disbelief.
  2.  Heartbreak and Disbelief: As William grapples with the shock of rejection, he recounts the painful aftermath of being kicked out and blocked by his partner, struggling to comprehend her decision to choose an unfettered lifestyle over-commitment.
  3.  Discovering Birding: Seeking solace in nature, William stumbles upon the world of birding by chance. Intrigued by the calming presence of birds and their serene habitat, he finds temporary respite from his emotional turmoil.
  4.  A New Obsession: William’s fascination with avian species deepens with each birding excursion, providing a welcome distraction from the ache in his heart. He immerses himself in studying birds, learning their behaviors and habitats.
  5.  Finding Peace in Nature: William begins to find moments of peace and clarity amid the tranquility of nature reserves and bird sanctuaries. The beauty of the natural world offers him a sense of perspective and hope for the future.
  6.  Healing Through Observation: Through patient observation of birds in their natural habitat, William learns valuable lessons about resilience, adaptation, and the cyclical nature of life. Each bird becomes a symbol of perseverance and survival.
  7.  Embracing the Journey: As William’s passion for birding grows, he embraces the journey of self-discovery and healing. He acknowledges that the path to recovery is not linear. Still, he finds strength in the process of exploration and introspection.
  8.  Acceptance and Moving Forward: Through the lens of birds, William comes to terms with his past relationship and accepts that some things are beyond his control. He finds the courage to let go of bitterness and embrace the possibilities of the future.
  9.  Finding Joy in the Present: With his heart gradually healing, William learns to find joy in the present moment and appreciate the beauty that surrounds him. Birding becomes more than just a hobby; it becomes a source of inspiration and renewal.
  10.  Hope for Tomorrow: As William reflects on his healing journey through birding, he looks towards the future with renewed optimism and hope. He realizes that while heartache may linger, it cannot overshadow the beauty and resilience of life.

This is what I’m going to be working towards. I hope to have a storefront set up where I’m going to sell bird prints and postcards with inspirational quotes for those who have been in abusive relationships and dealt with toxic partners or drug abuse. My goal isn’t to make any money off this endeavor since it’s, of course, for my own wellbeing that I’m setting out to accomplish this goal. It’s mostly to reimburse the cost of hosting a website, setting aside the time to work on this blog, write a book, and find time to go birding. Unfortunately, I don’t have an endless amount of funds or time, and any help I can get will be, if nothing else, encouraging.

I also would like to find out if many other men or women have dealt with similar situations and kept trying to help their partner far longer than they should have and hurt their self-worth. My work helps even a few people and was worth the trouble. I’ll never be able to put myself in this situation again, and I hope that this entire experience has taught me a lesson well learned.

Winged Therapy: Healing Through Birding

“After six years of devoted companionship and a heartfelt proposal, William’s world shattered when he was rejected and abruptly cut off by his partner. Devastated and bewildered by her choice to pursue a life of freedom with other men rather than settling down with him, William found solace in the serene world of birding. Amidst the rustling leaves and melodious chirps of feathered friends, he sought refuge from the anguish of heartbreak. William discovered a renewed sense of purpose and resilience with each bird sighting, gradually overcoming his emotional turmoil. Through the lens of birding, William found healing, acceptance, and a newfound appreciation for life’s simple joys, transcending the pain of rejection to embrace the beauty of the natural world.”

Lastly, I’d like to answer the question that might be in many people’s minds. Why birding? What about birding? It is going to help me heal after what I’ve been through. I see it that birding helps with the healing process in a few ways. For one, it gives me a focal point and something to put my mind and attention on instead of dwelling on how I’ve lost 6 years of my life now. It gets me outside in nature, and that by itself can be very tranquil and rewarding for combating depression. Learning about birds can be insightful and enjoyable. I think most importantly, though, it’s not as crazy or difficult as hiking the Appalachian mountains or scaling Mount Everest would be. It’s something that most people can do at almost any age. It may not seem as impressive as those other things. Still, the new way you see the world once you start learning the songs of the different birds and can identify them can be rewarding in its own way.

Dancing Shadows

Posted on by RAVIOLIS

In the quiet of the night, I reminisce,
Of a love once vibrant, now gone amiss.
She was the sun to my weary soul,
But now she’s gone, leaving a gaping hole.

I dreamed of forever, of vows to say,
But she chose a different path, went astray.
I went to school, got in shape, worked hard,
But she left, like a fleeting shard.

She traded love for fleeting thrills,
With drunken nights and random spills.
While I built a life, brick by brick,
She danced away, with each wild flick.

I thought we’d grow old, hand in hand,
But she chose a life I couldn’t understand.
Now I’m left with memories, bittersweet,
Of a love that crumbled, beneath deceit.

So here I stand, alone in the fray,
Wishing she hadn’t chosen to stray.
But life moves on, though scars remain,
A reminder of love lost, amidst the pain.

Birding and Reflections 4

Posted on by RAVIOLIS

Photography, Solitude, and Conclusion

Hello! This is the final part of my series about my trip to Conestee Nature Reserve. I would like to conclude it and begin preparing for my next trip. However, I haven’t decided where to go yet. If you reside near Greenville, SC, please leave a comment below to help me out.

Anyway, let’s finish up my journal and give you my last notes on my last trip before I run out of time. So, I was heading out of the park, and I caught a glimpse of a Turkey buzzard perched atop a tree branch. It was one of the last birds of the day, and it was fascinating to see how much bigger and imposing it looked compared to the tiny songbirds that were hopping around nearby. As I watched the buzzard, I noticed how it was stalking its prey, scanning the ground for any signs of movement. I decided to try and capture a picture of it in flight, hoping to get a shot that would do justice to its majestic presence. I quickly took out my camera and started adjusting the settings, trying to find the right balance of shutter speed and aperture that would freeze the bird’s motion and capture the details of its feathers. However, it proved to be quite a challenge, as the bird was constantly moving and changing direction, making it difficult to get the shot I wanted. Despite my best efforts, I don’t think I managed to capture a good picture of the buzzard in flight. But I learned that bird photography requires a lot of practice, patience, and a good understanding of the camera settings and techniques involved. I’m looking forward to learning more about this fascinating hobby and hopefully getting better shots in the future!

It might seem silly to put so much energy into taking such mediocre photographs, but I have always struggled with nihilism and it has prevented me from putting much energy or passion into anything in my life. My EX was one of the view motivations I had in life and so now I’m doing my best to find that passion even if it is for something as silly as photography. I have chosen to live my life with purpose and try to find meaning even though I know deep down that it may not exist. This is mainly because I want to see what happens and potentially prove others wrong who did not believe in me. Despite the pain and disappointment I have experienced, I am determined to keep going and make the most of my life. I’m going to start putting all I got into everything.

The sun was still out, and I felt like taking a walk to clear my thoughts. I decided to head to the old abandoned textile mill right beside where I parked. My dad used to work there as a sweeper like I think I mentioned before, and he shared a few stories about his experiences at the mill with me when I was younger. So I decided to take a detour and walk over to the mill to check it out more closely even though I never was able to get my girlfriend at the time interested. The building was old and worn down, but it still had a certain charm to it. I wondered what it must have been like to work there back in the day. Some of the stories that I heard made it sound horrible. It was always so hot and the air was thick with particles of cotton. I spent some time exploring the area around the mill and taking in the sights and sounds. It was a peaceful moment, and I felt like I was able to put my troubles aside for a little while.

As I stood there, taking pictures of the dam and the brick building in front of me, The sight of the calm lake and the old mill reminded me of one of the stories my dad told me. He had shared with me that the mill was once used to dye fabric so much that sometimes the lake turned a deep shade of blue. I could almost picture the vibrant blue color in my head, as if I could see it right in front of me. It was fascinating to think about how much history this place held and how much it had contributed to the local community. As I continued to take in the scenery, I felt grateful that I had taken this trip and found this outlet to deal with all the abuse I’ve endured for so long.

As I stood there, lost in my thoughts and memories, I couldn’t help but feel lonely. My dad was no longer around, and I missed him dearly. I wished I had someone to talk to, someone who could listen to me and understand what I was going through. The one person that I trusted would be there for me, but only hurt me so many times. For now, it was just me and my thoughts.

One of the last things I saw before I pulled away was a glimpse of a bird perched on top of the old mill. It was an Eastern Phoebe sitting on the edge of the roof. I found it fascinating that I saw new birds that I had never seen before from the very beginning of the trip to the nature reserve all the way to the very end. Although I was alone, the trip was enjoyable, and I realized that I could have a good time by myself. I have always been intrigued by the concept that birds are the spirits of the dead that watch over us, as depicted in the old 1990s movie “The Crow.” It would be nice if that were true.

I have found solace in writing in this blog, even though I don’t expect it to be of much help to anyone else. Still, even if just one other person finds anything of value here I will feel my time was well spent. I know this is mostly just the musings of an old man who has lost his only friend and purpose in life. It’s been challenging to cope each day with the loss of everything that meant something to me because of the actions of the person I trusted more than anyone on Earth. Despite being a good person to her, she not only took everything away but also spread rumors about me to my own family and the friends that we made together. It’s been heartbreaking to witness someone who was once my soulmate turn into someone so cruel. It makes you question everything you thought you knew. I’m trying to pick up the pieces and move on. Thank you to anyone who appreciates this blog and takes the time to read and comment.

It has been a perfect distraction and a great way to summarize everything that is going on in my life. I hope that one day, in the future, I will be able to look back on everything that I wrote here and smile. I will be able to remember that guy who had his dreams crushed and reassure him that everything will be okay. He has so much to look forward to, and he is capable of achieving amazing things still. The world is full of possibilities, and one woman cannot take everything away from me. 

Hello, the finale unfolds, a journey's end near,
Conestee's echoes linger, a story crystal clear.
Contemplations and clicks, the buzzard's grand pose,
Capturing flight's majesty, as the evening's shadows close.

Photography, a passion rekindled, a purpose sought,
In mediocre frames, lessons dearly bought.
Nihilism's grip, now challenged and fought,
Life's canvas unfurls, with passion newly brought.

A walk to clear thoughts, by the old textile mill,
A family legacy, stories and memories spill.
History whispers, tales of toil and will,
The building's charm, standing quiet and still.

A dam and a lake, with stories untold,
The vibrant blue dye, a history to behold.
Troubles set aside, a moment to hold,
A trip's gratitude, a heart's unfold.

Loneliness lingers, as memories replay,
Dad's absence, a void that won't sway.
The wish for someone, to hear what you say,
Yet, it's just you and thoughts at the end of the day.

An Eastern Phoebe, perched with grace,
A symbol, perhaps, in this solitary space.
From the reserve's start to this quiet place,
New birds witnessed, in life's solitary embrace.

Alone but content, a realization profound,
In solitude's company, joy can be found.
Birds, spirits of the departed around,
A concept from "The Crow," in musings unbound.

This blog, a solace, in the writing found,
Old man's musings, the world's silent sound.
A heartbreak's tale, spread rumors all around,
Yet, gratitude lingers for those who surround.

Distraction perfect, a summary's embrace,
A future's hope, a smile to retrace.
Dreams crushed, yet future's grace,
Possibilities endless, in time's vast space.

To the one who reads, thank you, my friend,
For joining this journey, from start to end.
In the words, a healing blend,
A blog's closure, a hopeful send.

Birding and Reflections 3

Posted on by RAVIOLIS

Exploring Memories at the Reserve

One the tail end of my day out at the Conestee nature reserve I managed to see a few more birds. Do you enjoy bird watching? I recently had an amazing experience when I came across a white-throated sparrow while it was foraging for food on the ground among the leaves. The area was surrounded by several dead trees and the sparrow was part of a small flock that was playfully interacting with each other while hunting for food. I had to patiently wait for the right moment to take a good picture, as bird watching requires a lot of patience. I suggest that you give bird watching a try, but remember to approach the birds slowly and calmly, as they tend to fly away quickly when approached too fast. I’ve been learning as much as I can about the hobby and I hope my experience has inspired you to give bird watching a chance, it can be an incredibly rewarding and peaceful activity.

As I was taking pictures of a beautiful mallard duck, I noticed that there was another mottled duck hovering around it, which seemed to be its girlfriend. However, as soon as the mallard left, the mottled duck followed suit. This incident made me realize that sometimes it’s better to let go of something that doesn’t value you as much as you do. It reminded me of the girl who left me, and how I tried to salvage the relationship multiple times. But now, I understand that there is no point in being with someone who doesn’t reciprocate your feelings. It’s best to move on and find someone who truly values you. I’ve learned my lesson that holding onto something that doesn’t belong to you is not worth it, and it’s better to let it go and move on with life.

It may seem odd to some that I’m combining the topics of birding and relationships in my thoughts, but I believe that there is a connection between the two. Observing the natural world around us, such as the interactions between birds, can often shed light on our own personal experiences. Just like how the mallard and mottled duck were seemingly in a relationship, it reminded me of my own past relationship and how important it is to be with someone who values and appreciates you. Sometimes, we can learn valuable life lessons from the simplest of things, even from a chance encounter with a bird.

It is important to note that I may have misidentified some of the birds I saw. I am still learning and there is a good chance that I have mixed up at least one species. However, I am confident that I saw a Yellow-rumped Warbler and an American Robin. So far, I have identified more than six different species on this trip, and there were even more that I could not capture with my camera. Earlier in the day, I spoke to a man at the dock who told me that he usually sees around 40 different bird species every time he comes out. I find that absolutely amazing!

I am excited to share with you my passion for birding, and by the time I embark on my next trip, I aim to provide you with an in-depth understanding of each bird’s unique characteristics. My primary focus is to make this an educational experience for you. Sure, you might just be here reading this to see if I have finally gone mad yet or not, but I’m gonna do my best to teach you something nonetheless. I assure you that birding is not only a fantastic hobby but also an opportunity to explore the beauty of the real world, and I am surprised that more people have not yet discovered its wonders.

I’m really looking forward to spring. I think I’ll get to see a lot of different birds during that time. It’s interesting how you can only spot certain types of birds at certain times of the year. It feels almost like playing a real-life version of Pokemon Go/Snap. However, it’s unfortunate that my ex was so obsessed with a phone game. I’ve grown to hate it passionately because it’s all she ever did. It was one of the only things that could get her out of the house, but she wouldn’t even do anything with me when we played. She would only drive around and get annoyed when I got bored of it. It had become a daily reminder that she didn’t care about me anymore, and it was pathetic that I kept begging to be with her. You’d think I would have learned my lesson about women by now.

I had been at the park for several hours and decided to leave. While making my way out, I saw several men with giant cameras. It was humorous to see how many of us there were, but also regrettable. I noticed that many were coming out around 5-6 pm. I wondered if there was a particular time when birds were more active or if it was just a coincidence that they all showed up around the same time. Whenever I tried to take a photo, someone else with an even more impressive camera would show up beside me. Some of the cameras I saw were worth thousands and thousands of dollars. My setup is much cheaper, but I don’t mind for now. Someday, I would like to have better equipment to match them in their little show of wealth. Who knows, maybe I’ll be a big-shot photographer someday. I can still work on myself. Heck, I am getting promoted at work; I’m getting in shape. I have a college education. I don’t have to be someone who gets mistreated all the time. I know that I can do it if I work hard. I’ll put myself first and show everyone how to be just as good as them. If nothing else, I just want to make sure that I never have to beg for anyone to care about me ever again. I never want to be that low, groveling at my girlfriend’s feet for her to let me buy her a home and marry her. I’m done with thinking that if I just keep pouring gifts and money and doing anything someone asks, it will suddenly make them care about me. It only makes it easier for them to mistreat you whenever they feel like it. They just know they can get away with slamming a door in your face and tossing you out because they know you’ll always come crawling back, and that has to end, at the very least.

It seems that I’m getting upset about the stupid stuff again and dwelling on the past won’t change what has already happened. I think I’m going to need to take a break and come back to this later when I feel more ready to wrap it up. I’m going to give myself a little bit of time to help me process my emotions and thoughts more effectively. I need to take care of myself and take a step back for the rest of today. I can’t even remember the last time I had something to eat.

On the tail end of my Conestee day,
More birds revealed in nature's display.
Do you savor the joy, the birdwatching thrill?
A tale unfolds, my heart to fill.

A white-throated sparrow, a sight so rare,
Foraging midst leaves, a dance in the air.
Playful interactions, a small flock's delight,
Patience required, a photographer's plight.

Mallard duck and its mate, a story untold,
A lesson learned, a love to unfold.
Letting go, a mottled duck's cue,
Sometimes it's best, a fresh point of view.

Birding and love, an unlikely pair,
Nature's reflections in life laid bare.
Identification attempts, a learning phase,
Yellow-rumped Warbler, American Robin's gaze.

More than six species, a promising start,
A man at the dock, 40 in his heart.
Excitement to teach, a birding quest,
An educational journey, shared with zest.

Spring's anticipation, a birder's dream,
Different birds emerge, a vibrant stream.
Like a real-life Pokemon Snap endeavor,
Seasonal sightings, nature's treasure.

A bitter memory of a phone game's hold,
Obsession and distance, a story untold.
Springtime promises, a renewal chance,
To rise above, life's vibrant dance.

Exiting the park, a gathering of lens,
Giant cameras, a photographer's defense.
Coincidence or timing, birds in sync,
A visual spectacle, photographers in sync.

A self-reflection, a gear comparison,
In this little world, a show of possession.
Promotion at work, a journey to strive,
A pursuit of self-worth, in life to thrive.

Upset about the past, a dwelling refrain,
A break for healing, to soothe the pain.
Take time for self-care, a step back to find,
Emotions processed, a soul realigned.