Day: October 15, 2024

Tomorrow I will

Is something changing in me, or has this always been who I am? Could I have known I’d end up like this, that I’d start to feel like a completely different person? Is there something deep within me, something dark and hidden, pushing to the surface? If I couldn’t see it coming, am I innocent? Or am I somehow guilty for not anticipating this breakdown? And what kind of language do we even have to describe it—words that only a select few can understand? Are animals better off since they don’t need words to question things like this?

Why am I being faithful? She loves another and has never needed, was Katarina ever loyal to me? And if I choose to keep loving her, would that make me unfaithful to myself? Are we both stuck in our own patterns, she loving another while I cling to the hole someday she might actually love me, but somehow I end up deceiving my feelings?

Even if the whole world disagrees, even if people argue with me, even if it costs me everything—I know I’m right. No one can take this away from me, even if there are no words left to express it. I’ve done the right thing. But if I show her my love in a real, physical way, she would only reject me and turn me away again and again. It’s like there’s wall she has erected to her own heart. Does she live him? I’m helpless in this. And by the time anything happens, it’ll be too late. I’m dead inside. How could she betray me?

What she’s supposed to mean to me is just a shadow of reality, something that stands next to what I truly feel. Sometimes it’s amusing, and sometimes it’s disturbing, like she’s trying to break into my life but can never quite get there. It would end in me reaching for her, like I’m grasping at thin air. Why did she ruin my life? To me, it feels like she’s as good as gone— why has she killed everything in my life forever? I’m dead, or as good as, and it almost tempts me to wish she really would finish the job. She might as well had. What is there left for me now? I actually wanted her to be real, marry me.

I’m at my breaking point. Life feels bland, empty—lacking any real flavor or purpose. If I were desperate enough, I wouldn’t even want the typical explanations people give. It’s like screaming for help but realizing there is no one to hear you s ream. nothing. I try to connect with the world, but it just feels meaningless.

Where am I, really? What does it mean when we say “the world”? Who set up this whole thing and left me here, standing alone? Why would Katarina destroy everything. Who am I now? How did I even get here? Why didn’t anyone ask if I wanted to be a part of this? It’s as if I was dragged into a system I never agreed to, bought and shoved into humanity without a choice. How did I end up tangled in this huge mess we call “reality”? Why am I supposed to care about any of it? Isn’t that my choice to make? And if I have to be here, why isn’t there some kind of guide? I have complaints, questions. But who would even listen?

They say life is a debate, but can I even ask my questions? If I just go along with it all, am I lying to myself? Shouldn’t I try to figure out what’s really going on? And honestly, what does guilt even mean? How do you know if you’re guilty? I’m just trying to make myself happy without hurting anyone. But then, why does it all feel so hollow?

My mind feels stuck. One minute I’m drained, barely caring; the next, I’m running from one extreme to the other, trying to vent my frustrations, looking for someone to take it out on. It’s like I’m constantly fighting myself. When did I start feeling guilty? Or am I even guilty? And if I’m not, why do I carry this weight? Why does language trap us with words that don’t mean what they should?

Today, I’ve decided to lace up my hiking boots and return to the trails. It’s been a while since I felt the earth beneath my feet, the sun on my face, and the wind in my hair. Hiking was once my escape, a way to find clarity and solace amidst the chaos of my thoughts. I realize now that I need that sanctuary more than ever.

Katarina’s departure left a void, a hollow space filled with memories that echo in my mind. I’ve been grappling with the reality of who she has become, a stranger to me now, lost in a world I can’t follow. Each day feels heavier, weighed down by the pain of what was and the heartbreak of what could have been. But as I step onto the familiar paths, I feel a glimmer of hope. Perhaps nature can heal what has been broken.

Hiking offers me a chance to reconnect with myself, to breathe deeply and exhale the sorrow that clings to my heart. The trails hold no judgment; they simply invite me to walk, to reflect, and to release. I’m reminded of the countless times I’ve explored these woods, feeling the rhythm of my heartbeat align with the pulse of the earth. It’s in those moments that I felt alive, and I yearn to reclaim that feeling.

As I traverse the winding paths, I can’t help but think of Katarina. I wish she could see the beauty in these trails, the way the sunlight filters through the leaves, casting playful shadows on the ground. I remember the laughter we shared during hikes, the way her spirit would lift with each step. But I also know that those memories are now tainted by the choices she’s made. She has chosen a path of fleeting pleasures, while I seek a journey of meaning and growth.

I need to embrace this hike as a metaphor for my life. Each uphill climb represents the struggles I face, the moments of doubt and despair. Yet, with every step forward, I remind myself that I am moving toward something greater. I am learning to let go of the past, to release the hold she has on my heart, and to focus on my own journey.

The solitude of the trails allows me to reflect on my desires and dreams. I want to finish Meepcow, to breathe new life into our project and make it a testament to what we once shared. I want to build a future that is mine, filled with purpose and passion. Hiking will remind me that while the past is part of who I am, it does not define my future.

With each step I take, I will shed the weight of my grief and embrace the strength that lies within me. I’ll climb higher, both physically and emotionally, until I reach the summit of my own resilience. And as I stand at the top, gazing out at the vast expanse before me, I will remind myself that I am enough—enough to create a life worth living, enough to find joy in my journey, and enough to let go of what no longer serves me.

So here’s to the trails, to the beauty of nature, and to the healing power of the journey ahead. I am ready to hike into my future, leaving behind the pain and embracing the possibility of new beginnings.

Focusing on Meepcow

It’s becoming increasingly clear that I need to come to terms with the fact that Katarina will never be here for me again. As painful as that realization is, it’s crucial for my healing and growth. I’ve spent too long holding on to the hope that she might return, but it’s time to let that go.

Instead, I need to focus on finishing Meepcow. This project represents not only our past but also my future—my chance to create something meaningful out of the love and memories we shared. It’s a way for me to channel my energy and emotions into something tangible, something I can be proud of.

Meepcow will be a testament to what we once had, but it will also mark the beginning of my journey moving forward. I’ll pour my heart and soul into this project, and in doing so, I’ll reclaim a part of myself that I thought I had lost.

This is my moment to grow, to transform the pain into creativity, and to honor what we shared while also recognizing that I need to forge my own path. So, with every photo I take and every word I write, I will remind myself that while she may not be here, I have the power to build a future that reflects who I am and who I aspire to be.

Katarina may have walked away, but Meepcow will always be a part of my story, and now it’s time to make that story my own.

Today, I feel like I’m making progress. I started playing Metaphor, and it’s been a welcome escape. It’s becoming clearer to me that nothing I do will change what Katarina has become. She chose her path a long time ago, and I have to accept that she is who she is now.

The reality is hard to face. I’ve come to realize that even if she were to come back, I don’t know how I could live with her or accept the choices she’s made. The purity, kindness, and love I once thought she embodied feel like distant memories now. We shared something special, and I was deeply enthralled by my love for her. She could have had anything in the world, but instead, she chose the bar scene, casual flings, and fleeting good times over the meaningful future I was trying to build for us.

I’ve finally accepted that it’s all over now. There’s nothing I can do to bring back the person I knew, and the truth is, I don’t think she will ever return to who she once was.

To protect my own sanity, I need to retreat into myself. I’m diving back into Kamen Rider Den-O, immersing myself in video games, and listening to audiobooks. These distractions are crucial for me right now; they help me distance myself from the pain and the harsh reality of what she did to me and my future.

I recognize that it’s time to buckle down and focus on my personal growth. I need to train my mind and body to be independent, relying on myself rather than on others who can take everything away in an instant. The repeated betrayals and the way she discarded me over trivial matters have left deep scars. It’s clear now that she had no real love for me—she was simply toying with my heart.

But I will rise from this. I will find a way to rebuild my life and focus on what truly matters. The past may be painful, but it won’t define my future. I’ll forge ahead, stronger and more resilient than before, determined to create a life that I can be proud of—one that reflects my true self.