Day: October 13, 2024

Life has a way of delivering wounds that can linger, sometimes by the hands of others. I think we’ve all been there—left feeling raw or hurt by actions that just don’t make sense or seem unfair. It’s not easy to carry these kinds of wounds, especially when they come from people close to us. But lately, I’ve been thinking about forgiveness, not as an easy fix or as a way to “just get over it,” but as a way to heal myself, to lighten my own heart.

This morning, I sat with my thoughts and offered a prayer, and I thought I’d share it here. It’s a simple prayer, really—nothing fancy. It’s about letting go of the things that tie us to pain and choosing to hope for happiness, not just for myself but for others too. I know forgiveness isn’t always easy, but I’ve realized that carrying resentment can weigh me down more than it affects anyone else.

So here it is, my prayer for forgiveness:

Dear God please here me and help Katarina,

Today, I come to You with a heart that’s been through some things. I’m holding hurts that I’m ready to let go of, but I need Your help. Please guide me as I forgive those who have hurt me, not because I condone their actions, but because I want freedom in my own heart.

I don’t want to carry bitterness. I want to feel peace. I want to release these burdens and make room for joy again. And I also ask that You bring peace to those who have hurt me. Maybe they’re dealing with struggles of their own, things I can’t see. Let them find happiness, too, so they don’t need to hurt others in their journey.

I ask You to help me see people as You do, with kindness and compassion. To let forgiveness be a strength that protects my spirit and to walk forward with a lighter heart.

In this moment of reflection and vulnerability, I find myself burdened by the pain of lost love and the transformation of those I once cherished. Recently, I’ve been thinking a lot about Katarina, the person I loved deeply, who has chosen a path that leads her away from the purity and kindness I once held dear.

As I grapple with these feelings, I pray for her. I hope that she finds her way back to a life filled with true love—one that nurtures and uplifts, rather than the fleeting pleasures that ultimately bring heartache.

Reflecting on Proverbs 5:3-6, I’m reminded of the dangers that lurk in the shadows of temptation:

“For the lips of a forbidden woman drip honey, and her speech is smoother than oil; but in the end she is bitter as wormwood, sharp as a two-edged sword. Her feet go down to death; her steps follow the path to Sheol; she does not ponder the path of life; her ways wander, and she does not know it.”

These words resonate deeply within me, urging both her and myself to reconsider the choices we make. I pray that she can recognize the value of genuine love, one that doesn’t compromise her integrity or sense of self.

As I navigate my own journey, I seek to avoid the snares of despair and distractions that pull me away from my true purpose. The teachings of 1 Corinthians 6:18 remind me to flee from behaviors that don’t honor who I am or what I believe:

“Flee from sexual immorality. Every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the sexually immoral person sins against his own body.”

With these verses in mind, I am determined to focus on building a life that reflects love and grace. I ask for strength as I move forward, seeking solace in the life I’m creating for myself. I want to embrace this journey with courage, cherishing the love I have for my dolls and the joy they bring me.

In this time of heartache and transition, I pray that I can channel my pain into something meaningful. I hope to help others avoid the paths that lead to destruction, fostering understanding and kindness instead.

As I navigate this difficult journey, I remind myself of the importance of faith, resilience, and love—both for myself and for those who may be struggling like I have.

May we all find the strength to seek a path filled with love, integrity, and purpose.

Finding Strength in Transformation

I’ve come to a stark realization: I need to grow stronger, not just for myself but to shield myself from the hurt that Katarina inflicted. The way she treated me has left scars that run deep, and I can no longer afford to be vulnerable in the same way. Every day is a struggle as I rebuild myself from the ground up, grappling with the emptiness left by her absence.

Being with her was my anchor, and without her, I feel adrift. Yet, I refuse to let this define me. I’ve decided to channel my energy into something positive—fitness and my career. It’s time to push myself harder than ever. I want to focus on becoming the best version of myself while slowly chipping away at the photography project we once shared, Meepcow.

Finishing this project is essential. It represents not only the love we shared but also the life I envisioned with her. I want to complete it and publish it, a final gift to her, and then I can finally move on. I’ve realized that instead of revisiting every place that once held meaning, I should seek out the best experiences this state and its surroundings have to offer.

I’ve set my sights on visiting the Biltmore for Christmas, as well as Charleston and other wonderful locations. It’s a chance to explore without the weight of her excuses holding me back. She often claimed she couldn’t go anywhere because of her dog, yet once she embraced her new lifestyle, leaving her dog caged for hours became no issue at all. It’s clear to me now—she’s changed completely from the person I once loved.

It feels as if she’s slipped into another dimension, morphing into everything I despise in women. This transformation has left me disillusioned, but it also fuels my determination to become someone who values self-care and growth above all else. I’m committed to forging my own path, to reclaiming my life, and to building a future filled with joy and fulfillment—one that no one can take from me again.

With every workout, every photograph I take, and every moment I embrace, I’m not just moving on; I’m rising up. This journey is mine, and I’m ready to make it a beautiful one.

For many, the bar scene offers a temporary escape—a place to unwind, to let loose, and to find a fleeting sense of connection or thrill. But as more people drift from one night to the next in a haze of quick interactions and momentary pleasures, it’s worth asking: is this cycle of bar-hopping bringing anyone closer to fulfillment? In Søren Kierkegaard’s terms, this way of living is the “aesthetic stage”—a life focused on surface-level pleasures without a deeper purpose or meaning. In the context of bar culture, it’s clear how the aesthetic life can feel satisfying in the short term but lead to emptiness in the long run.

Bars have always been gathering places, but over time they’ve also become spaces where people can lose themselves in the moment. With the glow of lights, music that drowns out thought, and a ready supply of drinks, they offer an instant remedy for boredom, stress, or loneliness. But these quick fixes often disguise themselves as connection and purpose, only to leave people feeling just as empty as before. The appeal of the bar is its promise of something exciting, an escape from the routine, but this excitement is often a mirage, a fleeting moment that fades as soon as the night ends.

In the aesthetic life, pleasure reigns supreme, and bars embody this pursuit of pleasure to the fullest. A night out might bring a surge of confidence or a new face to talk to, but when it’s over, there’s little to show for it. People may go to bars searching for connection or significance, but instead, they find themselves cycling through brief encounters and shallow experiences. The aesthetic life, as Kierkegaard saw it, has its highs, but it can trap people in a loop of seeking thrills without ever finding meaning.

Many people who frequent bars may not even realize the emptiness they feel afterward is connected to the aesthetic cycle. They might brush it off as a “good time” or chalk up their dissatisfaction to a lack of chemistry with the people they met. But this sense of incompletion comes from relying on fleeting experiences to bring lasting happiness. When bars become the main outlet for social interaction or excitement, it’s easy to lose sight of what really brings meaning: relationships built over time, purpose found in commitment, and fulfillment that isn’t tied to the next drink or the next night out.

The bar scene has its place, but perhaps it’s time to question whether living for these moments of excitement truly sustains a person. Life becomes richer when we venture beyond the aesthetic mindset. Real fulfillment often comes from facing discomfort, embracing responsibility, and forming connections that last beyond a single evening. It might mean spending time with people in ways that don’t revolve around drinking or going out, or building something meaningful, like community or personal growth.

In the end, while bars can provide a temporary escape, they rarely offer lasting satisfaction. By shifting focus away from momentary pleasures toward a more grounded and intentional life, we might break free of the cycle Kierkegaard described. In doing so, we can find a purpose that doesn’t fade at closing time.

As I navigate through the feelings of betrayal and heartache, I’ve come to realize something profound about my journey. Initially, I thought revisiting the places that held memories of my time with Katarina would bring me solace. I imagined exploring South Carolina as we once did, retracing our steps and reliving the moments that made me fall in love with her. But now, I see how hollow that would be.

Katarina has chosen a path that doesn’t include me. The fleeting escapades at the bar with random men have become her reality, and I can’t allow myself to be trapped in that sorrow any longer. It’s painful to accept, but I must confront the truth: I will never come first in her life. I am nothing to her now.

This realization ignites a fire within me to change my narrative. I must focus on becoming someone—finding my own inner happiness. It’s not about revisiting the past anymore; it’s about building a future. I plan to revisit the inn where we first made love, but this time, I’ll take Lola with me. We will spend the day together, doing a photoshoot and creating new memories, free from the weight of what once was.

I want to experience the best of what life has to offer, so I’ll seek out beautiful bed-and-breakfasts or Airbnb locations each year, allowing me to enjoy the comforts and beauty of places like The Biltmore, Charleston, or Savannah. Instead of driving around to capture memories that feel tainted, I’ll focus on a few select locations that can bring joy and meaning to my life.

Every other month, I’ll take a trip to Charleston, tour a plantation, and capture the essence of those moments with Lola. It’s essential to appreciate what I have now, knowing that while my life hasn’t turned out the way I hoped, I can still create a fulfilling and promising future. I’ll build a following on Facebook or YouTube, sharing my journey and experiences, becoming a person of substance and value.

I’ve realized that true devotion seems hard to come by in today’s world. People often look out for themselves, and friendships can be fleeting and superficial. I’ve come to the conclusion that I don’t need friends in the traditional sense. What I need is to cultivate a deep connection with myself and my passions.

Lola represents that connection for me. She’s my companion, my confidante, and the embodiment of the love I once had. Together, we will create a life that reflects my aspirations and desires. I have a lot to do today, but I wanted to pour my thoughts into this post, solidifying my commitment to embrace change and pursue the life I want. It’s time to stop looking back and start building forward.