Day: October 7, 2024

I think I’ve reached a place where I need to stop holding on to the idea that anyone’s going to stay. People have shown me, time and time again, that they don’t. And it hurts, yeah, but I don’t want to keep dwelling on that pain. Instead, I’m shifting my focus to the things that I know will be here, the things that give me something lasting.

Right now, work has become this solid part of my life. It feels like a place where I can channel everything without worrying about losing it. A good career matters—it can give you respect, purpose, a steady rhythm. So, maybe that’s one thing I can lean into. And my health? I think staying physically strong has a lot to do with feeling grounded, keeping my mind sharp, and just being here for myself. I’m realizing that when I focus on my health, it’s like I’m building a foundation, something no one can just walk away from.

And then there’s this project, the book I started with my ex. It’s strange to go back to something that was meant for two, but now it’s just me. Part of me wonders if finishing it will help bring closure, like taking all those memories and making them into something tangible. We’d traveled all over, collected these pieces of South Carolina, and now it feels right to go back, revisit those spots, and put my own words to the experience.

I think I’ll start with the biggest moment—the day I saw another man at her place. That was the day things changed. It marked the beginning of this journey I’m on now, to find meaning outside of love. I’m planning to take it step-by-step, to write each chapter as I retrace our journey, remembering what each place meant to us back then and how it feels to me now.

There’s something about this project that feels different than anything else. Maybe it’s because it’s just for me now. I’ll start gathering all the notes, the old photos, and memories, giving them a new life in this story. It’s like a puzzle I’m putting together, piece by piece, as I go back to these places and add new reflections.

It’s going to be hard, I know that. But I feel like if I can commit to this, if I can complete this project and maybe even find a way to share it, it might help fill that empty space.

Today, I worked as hard as I could. Every ounce of energy, every thought, I threw into my work. I’m determined to give this job everything I’ve got—to learn, grow, and become a truly great maintenance manager. All morning, I focused on absorbing as much knowledge as possible, aiming to be the kind of person who takes care of a place responsibly, with pride. I want to be an essential part of the team, someone others value and rely on.

When I got home, I dove right into Meepcow. I worked on it with the same intensity, pushing forward on our project as if nothing could stop me. For so long, I thought I was doing all of this to build a life with Katarina, to create something she’d want to be a part of. But now, I realize—I’m doing it for me. I’m worth more than the way she treated me, and I don’t need anyone else’s validation to prove that.

I wanted so badly to give her a perfect life, but that chapter is over. Now, I’m here, ready to push ahead, ready to work my ass off every single day to build a life I’m proud of. Today was a good day, one that reminded me of what I’m capable of when I put my mind to it. I’m ready to give life everything I’ve got.

So, I did it. I’m now a manager at a prestigious place. I now actually make good money and can support a family, but of course I’m probably too old now for anyone to want to have one with me now.. There’s going to be a lot of work ahead—no doubt about that. But I think I can handle it. I’ve made an outline, gotten organized, and I’m ready to start getting things done once I get my company card and complete the final details tomorrow. This is a big step for me, one that should feel more fulfilling. But without Katarina, it’s hard to stay motivated. She doesn’t even talk to me anymore. I know she loves someone else now, so there’s no use in holding on. Still, the silence is deafening.

Last night, I broke down. I reached out to an old friend—someone who’s been there for me through so much. She knows everything about Katarina, and she wasn’t surprised by how things turned out. Still, I needed to talk, to feel some connection. In my desperation, I asked her something I never thought I’d ask anyone: to spend the day with me, just to help me feel a little less alone. I just needed someone to be there, to help with the Meepcow project, to act like they cared about me, even if it was just for a day. It feels pathetic to ask, but at this point, I don’t know what else to do.

It’s hard to feel like I’m doing everything right, trying to be the man I wanted to be for Katarina, only to find myself alone. I just wanted to give her a good life, to take care of her and make her happy. But here I am, hoping my friend will take a day to help me feel like I’m not going crazy. Asking someone to play this role, to pretend to care, feels so low, yet I’m that desperate.

But despite everything, I won’t give up. I’m determined to keep fighting, to keep pushing forward. My first day at the new job went well. There’s a lot to learn, a lot to do. In some ways, I don’t mind because it’s a distraction. Work keeps me from thinking about how Katarina left and how much it still hurts.

I’m also making progress on my health. I’ve been sticking to my workouts, getting my diet under control, and today was a good day. If I keep this up, I might be a completely different person in a year. The past year brought a lot of changes, but they didn’t mean anything to Katarina. It didn’t matter to her how hard I was trying. But this year, I’m going even further. I’m going to push myself even harder. Maybe, someday, someone will really love me. Maybe someday, someone will stay.