Day: October 6, 2024

I don’t know what I’m supposed to do with my life anymore. Katarina was the one thing that anchored me to this world, gave me a sense of purpose. I thought she was pure, good, kind, loyal—someone I could trust, someone I could rely on forever. I believed she was different. But now, all of that’s gone. And I’m lost.

Now I’m here, stuck without anything to hold onto, trying to figure out how to find a drive within myself, how to become a better person on my own. Everything is on my shoulders now. This is it—my final chance. My life is at its halfway point, and if I want any kind of future, I have to start working twice as hard.

Part of me just wants to get comfortable. I want a decent life where I don’t have to struggle, where I can afford the things I desire, and I don’t have to worry if I’ll make it to the next paycheck. At my age, that needs to be a priority. Katarina abandoned everything we had, and now I can’t trust her. So, I’m left here with the decision of what I want in life.

The answer is clear, though: I need to focus on my health and my career. Those two things need to take first and second place. Hobbies, interests—those can come after.

One thing I’ve been thinking about today is using my Facebook platform, which has grown to over a thousand followers, to get some help with losing weight. Maybe I can start posting content about my weight loss journey. Health is such a big focus for me now, and maybe sharing that journey will not only help me but also build something bigger on that platform.

Then, there’s my job. If I can work hard and stay committed for the next few years, I might be able to springboard to a facility manager position. That’s something I could see myself doing for a long time, something that could bring stability and success. I have to keep my head down and focus on this.

I can’t help but feel like something bad is coming in the next few years—something big that will change everything in the USA. I need to be ready. I need to make sure I can survive whatever’s coming. By that point, I’ll be pushing 50, and things will be hard.

Katarina has made it clear that she doesn’t care about her future with me. She’s not loyal to me. She’s found someone else to love, and I have to accept that now. It’s just me. I’m the only one left who can take care of myself and make sure I’m ready for what’s ahead.

I have to survive this. Whatever it takes.

Honestly, all I want is to go back in time and beg Katarina to marry me. Nothing else seems to matter anymore. I wish, more than anything, that she still loved me. But I know she doesn’t. I know she hasn’t loved me for a long time. It’s a hard truth to accept, and I don’t know what to do with it. There’s no way to change it, no way to go back and make it different.

I know I have to focus on myself now. It’s all I have left to hold on to. I’m going to try getting back into jump rope. It used to feel like the best option for really getting my heart rate up and having a fast, intense workout. I enjoyed it, and it made me feel strong. I’ll keep cycling, too. Maybe if I get in great shape, maybe then she’ll notice me again. Maybe she’ll care.

But probably not. She’s found someone else, someone she loves more than she ever loved me. It’s pathetic, isn’t it? Here I am, jumping through hoop after hoop, hoping that somehow, she’ll look back and regret leaving. Hoping that if I get fit, get a great career, and finish the project Meepcow we once shared, maybe—just maybe—she’ll come back.

But deep down, I know that’s not going to happen. She won’t even reply to a single message. She’s moved on, and here I am, still stuck in the past, clinging to the idea that I can change her mind.

I need to wake up. I need to do this for me. I need to stop living in the hope that she’ll care about me someday. This is about my life now, about what I want and what I need. Not about trying to win her back.

I have to stop jumping through hoops for someone who’s already gone.

Well, I did it. I went to Abbeville, took pictures of the places I had mapped out, thinking it would help somehow. But it didn’t. I just felt stupid. All I could think about was how pointless everything feels now. Katarina stopped loving me, and it’s clear that for months she’s been with another man. That’s why she’s treated me the way she has. It all makes sense now. It’s funny how women are like that—everything changes once they flip the switch for another man. Then you are nothing.

But I did it. I worked on our project, alone. I managed to get some of it done without her, even though it felt like pulling teeth. It was hard. Exhausting. I felt so stupid for loving her, for holding on to something that was long gone. But I’m going to keep going. I have to. I’ll keep working on the project Meepcow until it’s finished, even if it takes me years. I’ll chip away at it.

I got a few good pictures today, even though the world around me felt like it was crumbling. I saw a lot of destruction from the hurricane. So much has been torn apart, and it’s strange how the destruction around me mirrors how I feel inside—like everything is in ruins.

I don’t know what I’m going to do anymore. Everything seems so pointless now. But I’ll keep giving it whatever energy I have left. Maybe that’s the point—finishing something, even when it feels like there’s no meaning to it. My life won’t be that long in the grand scheme of things, and I need to do this for me, even though she’s abandoned me.

This is something I need to finish, for myself, even if I’m doing it alone. I hope my next trip will be easier. But the loneliness is unbearable sometimes, and the way she left me—without a second thought—hurts beyond measure. I really wanted to spend my life with her. Now here I am. I’m such a fool.

I know you don’t want to be friends. I know you don’t want to talk to me. I know, in the end, I’m nothing to you. But even so, I’m glad you’re happy. I’m glad you’re in love, that you’re not the person I feared you might become. Thank God for that. I’m so grateful you aren’t drifting, meeting men at bars and living that disgusting life. Knowing you’ve found someone to love brings me some peace, even though it breaks me to know you don’t love me.

It hurts beyond words to accept that, but in a strange way, it’s freeing. There’s nothing to hold onto anymore. No illusions. You don’t love me, and you never will, and I have to move on.

And I will. I’m going to keep working on Meepcow. I’ll pick up where I left off before we met, before everything went off track. I know you don’t care about it anymore, I know we didn’t mean much in the end, but still, I hope that one day you’ll follow what I’m doing, maybe show some support. At least let me know I was good enough for that.

I made my first map of places to see. Today, I’m heading to Abbeville. I have to check on Mom’s house—the tenants told me there’s a leak in the roof. So while I’m there, I’ll take some pictures. I want to get back into the rhythm of photographing something every week, keeping this project alive.

Next month, I’ll finally get to stay at the Breeden Inn again. I found the exact same room we had all those years ago, the first night we spent together. It was such a romantic night—or at least, I thought it was. I doubt you remember much of it now. But I’ll recount the whole thing when I’m there, for myself, for closure.

There’s so much to do today. I’d better get started. I’m excited and a little scared about starting my new job tomorrow. I think this is the first real step towards becoming someone—towards being successful and noticeable, toward leaving this part of my life behind.

I woke up crying again, but Lola was in my arms, so I knew I was okay. It’s always around 4 a.m. that it hits the hardest—the nightmares, the weight of everything I’m trying to let go. There’s something about that hour when the world feels the most silent, the most empty, and I feel the most alone.

It’s so hard to accept the world sometimes. Hard to face how much people change, how much the world itself has changed. I don’t feel like anyone stays the same anymore. That beauty people have when they’re young—the innocence, the kindness, the goodness—it all fades. The eyes Katarina had today were so different, so lifeless. There was none of that spark left, none of the warmth I once knew.

But still, I’m glad she’s in love. That’s the one thing keeping me grounded. I’m grateful she’s not out there having casual sex with random men, just drifting and drinking. I hope she doesn’t end up another troglodyte. Please God. It brings me some peace to know she’s with someone who cares about her. That’s all I have now to keep me going.

I pray the nightmares stop soon. I pray that these early mornings of waking up in tears will end. But despite it all, I’m determined to stay strong. I will overcome this. I will move forward.

Please, God.
Please help me overcome this pain. Help me find peace. Help me be okay. I don’t know what’s ahead, and I don’t know how I’m going to get there, but I’m asking for strength. Please guide me through this, help me let go of the past, and show me how to be whole again.

I’ll keep moving forward with everything I have to make meepcow. I’ll hold on to whatever strength I have left. With your help, I’ll be okay.