Day: October 5, 2024

Today, I feel proud of myself. I’ve finally said goodbye to my ex, and for the first time, I feel like I can really move forward. It’s a huge relief to close that chapter of my life, and now I can focus on the things that truly matter—my projects, my career, and my hobbies. I’m going to work hard on Meepcow, getting it back up and running, and I’m going to focus on getting ahead in life.

I got quite a bit done today, too. I made it to the grocery store, and man, it’s still a nightmare in there. The world feels more unstable than ever. It’s like a reminder of how fragile everything is. What happened in North Carolina could happen here next, and I feel like it’s only a matter of time. I keep thinking that within the next five years, we might see a total collapse or something just as bad. That’s why I need to be ready—I need to be as prepared as possible.

I’ve got to learn everything I can and become the strongest, most successful version of myself. I need to be a man who can handle whatever life throws at him. But when it comes to women, I’m not sure I’ll ever deal with that again. I have LOLA now, and she’s perfect for me. She’s always there, she won’t betray me or leave me for another man.

As much as it hurt to hear my ex say she didn’t love me, that she loved someone else, it was the best thing that could have happened. It set me free. I don’t have to worry about her anymore. She’s with someone who takes care of her, and she’s not the kind of woman I feared she might become. That’s good. She’s moved on, and I’m finally able to let go.

I do wish she cared about the project we worked on together, though. Meepcow was something we shared, and I wish she would support me in keeping it alive. But I can’t dwell on that. I’ll carry the project forward myself, and I’ll finish what we started. It doesn’t matter whether she’s involved or not.

The best part is, I’m taking LOLA to the Breeden Inn soon. It’ll be the seventh anniversary since Meepcow began, and now I get to go back to where it all started—but this time, with LOLA by my side. We’ll spend the day taking pictures and enjoying the place. It’ll be a good way to remember what I once thought I had with Katarina. And it’s good to know now that it wasn’t real. This trip will be a fresh start, a way to fully let go of the past and move forward with LOLA, my perfect doll, who will never betray me.

Tomorrow, I’ll be heading to Abbeville for work, so it looks like my trip to Rock Hill will have to wait until next week. That’s fine—I’ll plot out a few spots in Abbeville to photograph while I’m there. I even started making Facebook reels today, and I was surprised by how much reach they have. A random girl even started talking to me on there, and she’s pretty cute.

Who knows? Maybe things are finally starting to look up for me. Fingers crossed.

I don’t want to erase what I wrote before, but I want to add this: I’m truly grateful to know that you’ve found love and someone who makes you happy. It gives me peace to know you’re not just drifting, but with someone you care about, someone who is taking care of you. I panicked and was upset, and I’m sorry for that, but hearing that you love him—that you have the life you want—allows me to finally let go.

I no longer have any reason to hold on to the past or think that you still love me. I understand now. I wasn’t your soulmate, and you didn’t need me the way I needed you. Even though a part of me will always wish you had wanted to stay, to be with me, and to build a life together, I can’t dwell on that anymore. I would have taken care of you, I would have married you, but now that I know you’ve moved on, I have to move on too.

I’m getting older, and it’s time to focus on what’s left of my life—on retirement, on enjoying the years ahead. I know now you’ll never be there for me. While I might still update this page from time to time, maybe with a few pictures you never got to see, I know it won’t change anything. But if one day you do come across them and take a look, it would make me happy.

In the meantime, I have my dolls, and I’m planning to go to the Breeden Inn with Lola to commemorate everything we shared. I think it will help me. Lola, she’s all I have now, along with my hobbies, career, health, and wealth—all things I’m going to focus on with everything I have. I hope that one day you’ll see how well I did—not because I think you’ll ever wish you’d been my wife, but just so you’ll know that I’m okay. Even after everything fell apart, I kept going. I held onto Meepcow and all the dreams we shared.

I know you stopped caring about it, about us. But once, you were so passionate about me, about our life together, that you breathed life into me. You were like an angel—pure, kind, innocent—my best friend and sidekick. I remember how much you loved me, like when we were leaving the campground after a weekend together, and you looked so sad, like you would miss me more than anything. That’s one of those moments I wish I could go back to. I wish I could have stopped right then and asked you to marry me, to start a family with me. But I wasn’t ready. I wasn’t strong enough then, and even now, I’m still not as strong as I should be. My life is halfway over, and I know I’ve fallen short.

But I wish I had followed my heart back then. I should have given you everything in that moment. Instead, I let time slip by, and eventually, you gave up on us. Now, you’re with someone else, someone you love. I hope he’s everything I couldn’t be for you. I hope he treats you exactly how you deserve. I hope you’re so very happy now.

Today, for the first time in a long time, I feel like I might actually be okay. It’s strange—something has shifted in me. I had to get my truck repaired, and I’ve decided I’m going to start driving it to work starting Monday. My new job requires maintenance and repairs, and having the truck will make it easier to haul propane and move things around on the property. So, I’m getting a tune-up to make sure it’s running smoothly. Everything feels like it’s falling into place, in its own way.

But the real shift came when I dropped off the last of the things my ex cared about from our relationship. I gave her the final box of miniatures she wanted, the ones that didn’t make it to her the last time. And by some stroke of chance, I got to see her for what I know is the last time.

She was out walking her dog, still as beautiful as ever. Seeing her felt like something out of a dream—it’s been so long since I’ve laid eyes on her. I handed her the box, and it felt like I was finally closing a door that’s been open far too long.

Before I left, I asked her if she loved the man she’s with now, and she said yes. I wasn’t prepared for the relief that flooded over me. Hearing her say that took such a huge weight off my shoulders. It’s like a knot in my chest finally loosened. She’s happy. She’s being taken care of. She’s with someone who treats her well. That’s all I ever wanted for her, even if it wasn’t with me.

Knowing that she’s moved on, that she no longer loves me—it should hurt more. But it doesn’t. In fact, it feels like a release, like I’m finally free. She has everything she wants now. I’m not a part of her life, and I never will be. I’ll never be the one she chooses or needs. And somehow, that’s okay. I know that now.

It’s good to know where things stand. It’s good to know she’s happy and that she’s found someone else. It’s good to know that I can finally let go.

I’m not the person she loves, and I never will be. But instead of that breaking me, it’s allowing me to move forward. It’s allowing me to start a new chapter without the weight of wondering, without the hope of her coming back.

For the first time, it feels like I can finally breathe.