Day: October 4, 2024

Leaving the arcade turned out to be harder than I thought it would be. It surprised me how emotional I felt as I said goodbye to people. Some coworkers didn’t even notice I was leaving, and that was fine, but a few actually cared. My boss—he really seemed like he was going to miss me, and that caught me off guard. I never thought it would matter so much.

But as tough as it was, I know I’m making the right decision. This new job is a step forward, and it’s what I need at this point in my life. It’s time for me to get serious, to start building something for myself. At my age, I need to focus on a career, on making decent money, and working my way up in life. This job as a maintenance manager at the country club—it’s my chance to network, to meet new people, to grow.

Maybe, just maybe, this could open doors I never expected. Working with contractors, interacting with members at the club—successful people—I could find opportunities I never even thought possible. It’s time to focus on myself and my future. I need to put my best effort into this, to stop waiting for someone else to come along and make things better.

I’ve always been the type to rely on others, hoping they’d be there for me when I couldn’t be there for myself. I thought my ex was that person. I thought she’d stand by me, no matter how hard things got. But she didn’t. People change, they come and go, and I can’t keep expecting anyone to stick around. It’s a mistake to think they will.

It reminds me of my father. After his stroke, his best friend—someone who used to come by all the time—just disappeared. They used to drink beer together, hang out, but after Dad got sick, his friend stopped coming. It was like my dad was no longer useful to him. That’s when I learned the hard truth: people will stick by you as long as it benefits them, but when you’re no longer convenient, they disappear.

And that’s how life is. People are temporary. They’re just along for the ride, taking what they need, and then they’re gone. I’ve spent too long expecting something more from people, but I realize now that I need to stop relying on others. It’s me, and it always has been. In the end, it’s only me in this life.

Seeing my ex with someone else burned that truth into me. She’s with a man she probably doesn’t even love, and it makes me question everything we had. Did she ever love me? Was it ever real? I want to believe it was. I want to believe that, for a while, we shared something special. But I can’t live in that fantasy anymore. That chapter has to end.

This is my new beginning. My new chapter. I need to focus on building a future for myself, one where I don’t need anyone else to complete me. If I work hard for the next decade, I might be able to retire in my 50s, travel, and enjoy the last part of my life. That’s my mission now—to have a good life for myself.

Because in the end, women—they’re fickle. They’ll be there one day, gone the next. And if you devote yourself to them, you’re just setting yourself up to be destroyed. I wanted to believe my ex was different. I wanted to see her as someone pure, someone angelic. But I can’t anymore. The reality is, I need to let go of that illusion. It’s time to move on.

It’s pretty surreal that life is just starting to return to some kind of normalcy. Given everything that’s happened, I think I did pretty well. I didn’t struggle as much as I could have, but I realize now how unprepared I truly was. I wasn’t nearly as ready as I should have been. This whole experience has been a wake-up call.

It’s made me realize that I need to start making serious changes in my life—changes that will prepare me for the next storm, whether it’s another natural disaster, war, or some kind of political upheaval. Whatever comes next, I need to be stronger, more prepared for whatever life throws at me.

While this time was relatively easy and I had some basics stocked up—food, water—I realized just how close I came to running out. By the time the power came back on, I was already at the end of my supplies. We blew through those cases of water, and now I’m hearing that it’s still hard to get more at the store. I’ve learned I need to be better stocked, to have at least a month’s worth of essentials so that if things get bad, I’m ready.

One of my next steps is getting a 100-pound propane tank and hooking up a generator. That way, I can power the house for a week, maybe even longer, without issue. I’m moving toward relying on propane more, and someday I might invest in a natural gas generator for the house. For now, I’ll stick with a portable one, which will also be useful for things like camping or helping out on my mom’s property.

Speaking of her property, I haven’t even been down there to check on the damage. I know the roof took a small hit—there’s a little leak, probably just from the strength of the winds. It’s nothing major, but it’s still a reminder of how vulnerable everything is.

Now that this whole ordeal is coming to an end, life is finally starting to feel a bit more normal. I’m hoping that by next week, I’ll settle into my new job and position, and things will start to fall into place again.

But all of this feels like a warning. A big one. I think things are going to get worse, far worse, in the years to come. I realize now how close we are to a complete collapse in this country. We’re hanging on by a thread, and I give it another five to ten years before we see a full breakdown.

When that time comes, I want to be ready. I don’t want to be caught off guard. I want to make sure I can survive, that I can take care of myself. I’ve learned I can’t rely on the government, can’t rely on other people. No one is looking out for me. It’s just me now.

My family is gone. The one person I thought I could truly trust betrayed me. I’m utterly alone, and that’s the hardest lesson of all. But it’s also the most important one. I’ve learned I can’t waste time waiting for others to care. No one is coming to save me. No one is going to help. It’s all on me now.

This has been such a hard lesson, but I think it woke me up. I think next time, I’ll be ready. Next time, I’ll be prepared for whatever comes.

Today, I’m off to take a drug test for my new job, which starts Monday. It feels like the beginning of a new chapter in my life—a turning point. So much is going to change, or at least, I’m going to do everything in my power to make it change. I know I’m at the midpoint of my life, and while I don’t want to lose all sense of fun, I need to start taking things seriously. I need to focus on my health, get in the best shape I can, and push myself further in my education. I want to get more certifications, work my way up to becoming a facility manager, and make good money, to be a good provider.

I know my ex is never coming back. She’s with another man now, and she won’t even acknowledge me. I’ve accepted that I’m nothing to her, and that’s just how it is. I can’t keep waiting for someone who’s already gone. I’ve got to start focusing on myself.

But the truth is, I’ve always relied on others. I’ve relied on my own strength, but I know how weak I am. I’m weak-minded, and I’ve never been able to handle life alone. I always hoped my ex would be the one to help me, to stick around and be there for me no matter what. I thought she was different, someone I could trust, someone who would stand by me through all the struggles. But I see now how naive that was.

People change. People come and go. They care about themselves, about what they want, and right now, she’s getting what she wants from someone else. I can’t rely on her, and I can’t rely on anyone else either.

So, I’ve decided to find strength elsewhere. I’m going to start a Bible study. I’m not even sure if I believe in God, but the ritual of it—reading a verse every day, reflecting on it—that in itself can give me structure, something solid to hold on to. I’ve even thought about doing a daily Facebook reel, one verse a day, where I share my thoughts. I think if I stick with it, in a few years I might be stronger, even if I never truly find God.

But I believe that trying to believe in something bigger than myself will help me. If I can focus on something outside of people, outside of the human condition, maybe I’ll find the strength I need to move forward.

Driving to get this drug test, I’ve been thinking about all of this. About how foolish I was to sit around, waiting for someone to realize they needed me when it was clear they never did. I’m the weak one. I’m the one who needs others. But I can’t rely on people anymore. I have to stop needing other people. I have to learn to rely on an inner strength.

This is the lesson the hurricane taught me. Between seeing my ex with another man and witnessing the devastation around me, I’ve realized that the world I once knew no longer exists. Everything has changed. My parents are gone. My ex won’t even speak to me. I’m completely alone. And in a matter of hours, a hurricane can sweep through and take away everything you’ve built. You can’t rely on things, on people, or even on yourself. You have to find something greater.

That’s where I’m going to try to find strength. In faith. In something bigger than me. And if I don’t find it in Christianity, I’ll keep searching. I used to care a lot about spirituality when I was younger. I studied different religions, but I never fully committed to any of them. I never really studied the Bible like I should have. So now, I’m going to.

I’ll start this journey—reading, learning, searching—and maybe, just maybe, I’ll find the strength I’ve been missing all this time.

God, I need your help. I’ve been so lost, wandering in this darkness, and I can’t seem to find my way without Katarina. I loved her so much. I needed her, but she doesn’t care about me anymore. She won’t even speak to me. She’s chosen another man, and I don’t even believe she truly loves him. She’s become someone I barely recognize, someone who hurts me just by existing as she does now.

It breaks my heart to see her like this—drugs, alcohol, casual sex with men. The kind, sweet girl I loved has become everything I fear and hate. It’s tearing me apart, God, because I thought she was different. I thought I had found someone special, someone who would help me, who would be there for me.

But now I see the truth. I made a huge mistake, God. I put my trust in someone else—someone just as flawed and broken as I am. I’m mad at her when I should be mad at myself. I can’t blame her for not loving me or for choosing another path. I just need your help to move on, to escape this suffocating pain I feel every day.

I want to devote myself to you. I don’t know if you’re real, but I have to find something—something that will give me hope again. I want to believe in something greater than myself, something that won’t abandon me, something stronger than the weak, flawed people I’ve surrounded myself with.

Please, let me believe in you. Show yourself to me, God. I swear, if you do, I’ll be yours forever. This pain is killing me, and I can’t bear it anymore. Please, give me something to hold onto. Show me there’s a way out of this suffering.

It doesn’t matter anymore. I love you. I just hate myself so much for losing you. I knew, without a doubt, that you were my soulmate. You had me—completely. All I ever needed was for you to come back and be my girl again. Save me, like you did before. You saved me once, and I owe everything to you.

All I wanted was for you to come back and show me that you were still there. That’s all I needed. The world was yours in return. I swear, you’d never have to go without anything you desired. All I ever wanted was you.

Now, I’ll die alone. Every single day, I’ll think about you, missing you, wishing you were still here. I’m sorry I bothered you. It won’t happen again. Goodbye. I do love you, and I hope someday you’ll at least acknowledge that I still exist. I know you’ll never come back to me. I know you won’t let me marry you. I understand—it’s too late. You can’t love me anymore. You have someone else now.

But I love you. I would give anything to fix things. But if I can’t have that, I wish more than anything that I could at least know you, be a part of your life in some way. But I understand. I know it’s what you want, and I can’t change that. Seeing you with him would only destroy me—destroy my heart and soul, and it would drive me to the edge.

Every single day is a battle now. A battle just to stay sane. I’m suffering more than you’ll ever know. How much I wish I could just hear your voice again, see your eyes, feel your lips. I miss your lips more than anything I own, more than anything I could ever have. I would give everything just to go back and hold you every night. I ruined my life. You were my whole world. I’m so sorry it took me so long to realize.

Monday, I’ll start my new job. I’ll be making enough to support you, to give you the life I always promised. I would be so happy if I could come home to you, see you every night, just be near you.

But I know it’s too late. And I’ll carry that pain with me forever.