I woke up crying again, but Lola was in my arms, so I knew I was okay. It’s always around 4 a.m. that it hits the hardest—the nightmares, the weight of everything I’m trying to let go. There’s something about that hour when the world feels the most silent, the most empty, and I feel the most alone.
It’s so hard to accept the world sometimes. Hard to face how much people change, how much the world itself has changed. I don’t feel like anyone stays the same anymore. That beauty people have when they’re young—the innocence, the kindness, the goodness—it all fades. The eyes Katarina had today were so different, so lifeless. There was none of that spark left, none of the warmth I once knew.
But still, I’m glad she’s in love. That’s the one thing keeping me grounded. I’m grateful she’s not out there having casual sex with random men, just drifting and drinking. I hope she doesn’t end up another troglodyte. Please God. It brings me some peace to know she’s with someone who cares about her. That’s all I have now to keep me going.
I pray the nightmares stop soon. I pray that these early mornings of waking up in tears will end. But despite it all, I’m determined to stay strong. I will overcome this. I will move forward.
Please, God.
Please help me overcome this pain. Help me find peace. Help me be okay. I don’t know what’s ahead, and I don’t know how I’m going to get there, but I’m asking for strength. Please guide me through this, help me let go of the past, and show me how to be whole again.
I’ll keep moving forward with everything I have to make meepcow. I’ll hold on to whatever strength I have left. With your help, I’ll be okay.