Today, I’m off to take a drug test for my new job, which starts Monday. It feels like the beginning of a new chapter in my life—a turning point. So much is going to change, or at least, I’m going to do everything in my power to make it change. I know I’m at the midpoint of my life, and while I don’t want to lose all sense of fun, I need to start taking things seriously. I need to focus on my health, get in the best shape I can, and push myself further in my education. I want to get more certifications, work my way up to becoming a facility manager, and make good money, to be a good provider.
I know my ex is never coming back. She’s with another man now, and she won’t even acknowledge me. I’ve accepted that I’m nothing to her, and that’s just how it is. I can’t keep waiting for someone who’s already gone. I’ve got to start focusing on myself.
But the truth is, I’ve always relied on others. I’ve relied on my own strength, but I know how weak I am. I’m weak-minded, and I’ve never been able to handle life alone. I always hoped my ex would be the one to help me, to stick around and be there for me no matter what. I thought she was different, someone I could trust, someone who would stand by me through all the struggles. But I see now how naive that was.
People change. People come and go. They care about themselves, about what they want, and right now, she’s getting what she wants from someone else. I can’t rely on her, and I can’t rely on anyone else either.
So, I’ve decided to find strength elsewhere. I’m going to start a Bible study. I’m not even sure if I believe in God, but the ritual of it—reading a verse every day, reflecting on it—that in itself can give me structure, something solid to hold on to. I’ve even thought about doing a daily Facebook reel, one verse a day, where I share my thoughts. I think if I stick with it, in a few years I might be stronger, even if I never truly find God.
But I believe that trying to believe in something bigger than myself will help me. If I can focus on something outside of people, outside of the human condition, maybe I’ll find the strength I need to move forward.
Driving to get this drug test, I’ve been thinking about all of this. About how foolish I was to sit around, waiting for someone to realize they needed me when it was clear they never did. I’m the weak one. I’m the one who needs others. But I can’t rely on people anymore. I have to stop needing other people. I have to learn to rely on an inner strength.
This is the lesson the hurricane taught me. Between seeing my ex with another man and witnessing the devastation around me, I’ve realized that the world I once knew no longer exists. Everything has changed. My parents are gone. My ex won’t even speak to me. I’m completely alone. And in a matter of hours, a hurricane can sweep through and take away everything you’ve built. You can’t rely on things, on people, or even on yourself. You have to find something greater.
That’s where I’m going to try to find strength. In faith. In something bigger than me. And if I don’t find it in Christianity, I’ll keep searching. I used to care a lot about spirituality when I was younger. I studied different religions, but I never fully committed to any of them. I never really studied the Bible like I should have. So now, I’m going to.
I’ll start this journey—reading, learning, searching—and maybe, just maybe, I’ll find the strength I’ve been missing all this time.