Honestly, all I want is to go back in time and beg Katarina to marry me. Nothing else seems to matter anymore. I wish, more than anything, that she still loved me. But I know she doesn’t. I know she hasn’t loved me for a long time. It’s a hard truth to accept, and I don’t know what to do with it. There’s no way to change it, no way to go back and make it different.
I know I have to focus on myself now. It’s all I have left to hold on to. I’m going to try getting back into jump rope. It used to feel like the best option for really getting my heart rate up and having a fast, intense workout. I enjoyed it, and it made me feel strong. I’ll keep cycling, too. Maybe if I get in great shape, maybe then she’ll notice me again. Maybe she’ll care.
But probably not. She’s found someone else, someone she loves more than she ever loved me. It’s pathetic, isn’t it? Here I am, jumping through hoop after hoop, hoping that somehow, she’ll look back and regret leaving. Hoping that if I get fit, get a great career, and finish the project Meepcow we once shared, maybe—just maybe—she’ll come back.
But deep down, I know that’s not going to happen. She won’t even reply to a single message. She’s moved on, and here I am, still stuck in the past, clinging to the idea that I can change her mind.
I need to wake up. I need to do this for me. I need to stop living in the hope that she’ll care about me someday. This is about my life now, about what I want and what I need. Not about trying to win her back.
I have to stop jumping through hoops for someone who’s already gone.