I suppose it’s time to give some background—how we met and how this journey really started.
We were both on Facebook, part of a travel photography page that no longer exists. We shared a common interest in exploring and capturing the world through our lenses. I believe it all began when she commented on one of my pictures, and from there, we started talking. I was looking for someone to travel with, someone to explore South Carolina with—because I didn’t have anyone. I’ve always been a lonely person, much like I am now.
Back then, I resigned myself to taking pictures alone. I wandered through abandoned places, state parks, and different corners of the state, photographing for the sheer joy of it. I wanted to travel, to experience South Carolina. I just wanted to have some fun. And then I met her.
Katarina.
She was beautiful, sweet, and kind. I loved being around her, every moment feeling light and full of adventure. For the first eight months, we traveled together, taking photos wherever we went. It was a passionate time, filled with excitement and wonder.
But even in those early days, I wasn’t sure if she really wanted a relationship with me. In truth, I don’t think she ever did. She always seemed more interested in casual connections, never fully committing to the idea of being my girlfriend. She refused to wear a promise ring, or any kind of symbol that showed devotion. It was as if, from the start, she was ready to walk away at any moment. That hurt. I never felt like she truly needed me, even though I needed her.
Katarina was strong, fiercely independent. She had been through a bad relationship before we met, and I think it scarred her in ways I couldn’t fully understand. She had learned to rely on herself, to trust no one but herself. I admired that strength, but it also created a distance between us that I could never quite close.
Looking back, I realize that neither of us expected to fall in love. She probably didn’t want to, and I certainly hadn’t planned on it. But I did. I fell hard. I wanted to be with her, to build a life with her. I don’t think she ever felt the same, and that truth slowly revealed itself over time.
Things were perfect in the beginning. We laughed, we explored, we captured the world together. But as time passed, the struggles crept in. We fought. She distanced herself. Yet, for those first few years, I believed we had something real, something worth fighting for.
Now, as I prepare to revisit the places we once explored, I know it will be incredibly difficult. These trips will force me to confront the reality that she’s gone and that she never loved me the way I thought she did. But I also know that retracing our steps is necessary for me to heal. If I can make it through these first few trips, maybe—just maybe—I can begin to let go.
We were together for six years, though in hindsight, I think we were only truly together for a few. After that, she started seeing other people. She broke up with me multiple times, and her heart wasn’t in it anymore. I should have let her go long before the end, but I held on. I’ve always had trouble picking up the pieces without her.
She changed so much in those final years. I don’t even know if the girl I once knew, the free-spirited, cheese ball adventurer, still exists. She doesn’t speak to me anymore. She ignores everything I say. And if I’m honest, I believe she probably hates me now.
But despite all of that, I still love her. I love her with all my heart. To me, she’s the most wonderful person in the world. I know I made mistakes, and I carry those regrets every day. She was my soulmate, and I truly believed we could have had a life together.
Looking back, I see the choices I could have made differently, the things I should have done to keep her. But I wasn’t ready. I needed help, and I needed time. She healed me in so many ways, gave me a kind of love I hadn’t known before. I thought she would always be there, that she would dedicate herself to me. And I would do the same for her.
I imagined myself as her savior, the one who would protect her, take care of her, and eventually marry her. I dreamed of giving her a perfect life. But those were just dreams. Dreams that I held onto long after she had let go.