Is something changing in me, or has this always been who I am? Could I have known I’d end up like this, that I’d start to feel like a completely different person? Is there something deep within me, something dark and hidden, pushing to the surface? If I couldn’t see it coming, am I innocent? Or am I somehow guilty for not anticipating this breakdown? And what kind of language do we even have to describe it—words that only a select few can understand? Are animals better off since they don’t need words to question things like this?
Why am I being faithful? She loves another and has never needed, was Katarina ever loyal to me? And if I choose to keep loving her, would that make me unfaithful to myself? Are we both stuck in our own patterns, she loving another while I cling to the hole someday she might actually love me, but somehow I end up deceiving my feelings?
Even if the whole world disagrees, even if people argue with me, even if it costs me everything—I know I’m right. No one can take this away from me, even if there are no words left to express it. I’ve done the right thing. But if I show her my love in a real, physical way, she would only reject me and turn me away again and again. It’s like there’s wall she has erected to her own heart. Does she live him? I’m helpless in this. And by the time anything happens, it’ll be too late. I’m dead inside. How could she betray me?
What she’s supposed to mean to me is just a shadow of reality, something that stands next to what I truly feel. Sometimes it’s amusing, and sometimes it’s disturbing, like she’s trying to break into my life but can never quite get there. It would end in me reaching for her, like I’m grasping at thin air. Why did she ruin my life? To me, it feels like she’s as good as gone— why has she killed everything in my life forever? I’m dead, or as good as, and it almost tempts me to wish she really would finish the job. She might as well had. What is there left for me now? I actually wanted her to be real, marry me.