The one thought that gives me any comfort is knowing that she told me she loved the man I found on Katarinas doorstep. In some strange way, that makes it easier. At least she wasn’t just picking up random men from the bar. I have had so many nightmares that she had turned into a whore. She found someone she loves, someone who fills a part of her that I no longer can. That’s all I can hope.
I’ve been setting some of the hardest goals of my life. Each day is packed from beginning to end with work, fitness, Bible study, managing my diet, and staying disciplined. Today might have been one of the most intense days I’ve had. A full shift at work, two trips to Home Depot, fitness in the morning and again after work, and a lot of back-and-forth emails with other managers before I finally called it a night.
The more I push, the prouder I feel, even though every ounce of it takes a toll. If I can keep this up, just for six more months, I’ll be that much closer to becoming someone I can respect, someone I can be proud of. The sacrifices, the time, the discipline—it’s all worth it. I’m learning to lean into the grind, knowing that one day it will pay off.
There’s a satisfaction in seeing myself transform. I might not have her, but I have this purpose, this drive. And for the first time, I feel like I’m truly putting myself first, embracing what it means to build a life I can be proud of, one that doesn’t rely on anyone else but me.
Living each day without Katarina. That’s the hardest goal.