Category: Diary

Today was one of those days where I just spent most of my time catching up on chores. It’s funny when you think about it: we spend five days of the week working, one day catching up on life, and that leaves just one day to actually rest and enjoy ourselves. But honestly, I don’t mind. I actually enjoy my job for the most part. It’s not too demanding, and I get to pace myself throughout the day. In reality, I probably only work a solid five hours out of my eight-hour day.

When I first get to work, I ease into things. I spend a little time waking up, playing around on the computer, and even squeezing in a quick workout. I’m not in a rush to dive in. By around 8 AM, I start getting into the day’s tasks. Usually, it’s something simple like picking up supplies or running a few errands, but once I’m back, that’s when I hit my stride and get to work. Before I know it, it’s lunchtime. After that, I push through a couple more hours of work, and then it’s time to clean up and head home. So really, it’s not a bad gig. I get to be my own boss in a way, and there’s always something different to tackle each day.

On the home front, I’m still waiting to hear from the HOA about whether I can build a shed or not. I really hope they approve it because I’ve got big plans. I’ve been dreaming of turning it into a tiny home where I can kick back and relax. Maybe even plant a garden, set up some solar panels, and prepare for whatever life throws next. It’s funny to think about doing all of that in the suburbs, but with how the world’s been lately, it doesn’t hurt to be ready for the next big emergency or economic downturn.

One thing I’ve finally come to terms with is that Katarina is no longer part of my life. She’s not the same person I used to know, and she’s let go of everything we once dreamed about. It’s just me now, and I’ve accepted that. I’m focusing on myself—on building something for my future. Fitness has become a big part of my life lately. I’ve been biking a lot and lifting weights whenever I can. I really want to build up my upper body strength. I think it’ll feel good to be in shape, not just for myself but because it gives me something tangible to work towards.

As for my diet, I haven’t been paying the closest attention, especially on my days off. My meals have mostly consisted of chicken and Huel, which isn’t terrible, but I know I can do better. Tracking my calories more carefully is something I need to stick to if I want to shed these last few pounds. It’s all part of the process.

So that’s been my day in a nutshell. I still need to clean out my truck and hopefully get some time to dive into Metaphor before bed. I’ve been getting to bed early these days, usually by 6 PM, and it’s been a game changer. Waking up early gives me a chance to bike, game, and knock out my tasks before the day even really starts. It feels like I have more control over my time, and that’s something I’ve really come to value.

That’s all for today—just one more step in figuring things out and moving forward.

It’s actually really freeing that Katarina has finally revealed who she truly is now. For a long time, I held onto hope that she might still be the person I once loved, that maybe her changes were just temporary or influenced by something like alcohol or drugs. But now, after seeing her for who she has become, I realize it goes beyond any of that. She has transformed into someone unrecognizable, someone whose priorities and values no longer align with the person I fell for.

The bar has claimed her—her goals, her dreams, and even the people she chooses to surround herself with. She’s no longer the woman I knew, and, frankly, she just doesn’t care. Not about me, not about the future we once imagined, and not about anything beyond her current world. And while that used to hurt, I’ve finally come to terms with it. She is gone. But it’s her choice, and I can finally let her go.

From here on out, this space will serve as my personal blog—a place for reflections as I rebuild Meepcow and continue to pursue the dreams and goals we once shared. But now, they are mine alone. There is no going back, and I’ve made peace with that. I no longer want her in my life, not after seeing the lifestyle she’s chosen. It’s not ladylike, and it’s not the kind of energy I want around me.

So, here’s to moving forward, to reclaiming what was lost, and to rebuilding my life on my own terms. This is a new chapter, one where I no longer hold onto the past but instead embrace the future, one step at a time.

There’s a profound difference between feeling like someone has changed and realizing they’re not the same person you once knew. It’s one thing to cry out, hoping the person you loved will come back, only to find a cold, callous version standing before you. But it’s something entirely different when the truth hits—you’re not just missing who they were, you’re mourning someone who’s essentially gone.

Today, everything feels strange. I’ve come to terms with the fact that the person I thought I knew is, in a way, dead. They aren’t the same, and what’s left is someone completely unfamiliar, someone I can’t reach or recognize. It’s not just a change; it’s like a part of them died, and now someone else entirely inhabits the body I once knew so well.

This realization, though painful, brings a kind of clarity. Sometimes, people change so much that it’s like they’ve become a stranger, and all we can do is acknowledge that loss, even though they’re still physically here. What do you do when the person you’re grieving is still walking around, living a life that no longer includes you? Today, I begin to figure that out.

For months, I’ve been haunted by questions, left in the dark about Katarina’s sudden and complete transformation. Today, out of nowhere, she decided to speak to me. After months of silence, she finally provided answers—answers that, deep down, I had already suspected. I had worried and obsessed over the possibilities, imagining every scenario, and in one way or another, most of my fears were proven to be true.

It hit me hard when she confirmed that she’s been spending her nights with men she meets at bars, fully embracing the lifestyle. The person I once knew, the person I once loved deeply, has changed beyond recognition. She’s become someone who thrives in the bar scene, whose nights revolve around strangers and shallow connections. It’s like she’s shed her old self entirely, and with that, every piece of the person I once admired and cherished is gone. She’s no longer the Karina I knew.

I’ve been grappling with this question: how much of her transformation is driven by alcoholism, and how much of it is simply her desire for this new life—this life with new men, fleeting encounters, and endless nights spent in bars? Maybe she found someone new there, someone who fills the void I no longer could. Maybe she’s found solace in this chaos, or maybe it’s her way of coping. But whatever the reason, it’s clear now: the Karina I loved is gone. She’s a completely different person.

What hurts most, though, isn’t just her transformation. It’s the cold, detached way she’s treated me throughout all of this. She waited months to give me any kind of explanation, leaving me in the shadows, suffering. And when she finally did, her words were like a knife—so sharp, so cruel. She told me she just doesn’t care anymore. She doesn’t care about me, about us, about anything we shared. Her honesty, brutal as it was, left me feeling both grateful and devastated. I needed to hear it, and yet I wished I never had to.

It’s hard to wrap my head around the fact that she could have saved me from so much pain if she had just told me the truth earlier. I’ve spent half a year tormenting myself, having nightmares, imagining what she could be doing, torturing myself with the unknown. If she had only been honest from the beginning, I could have started to heal sooner. Instead, she left me to fester in this pit of uncertainty, and for what? For her to finally admit that she just doesn’t give a damn anymore?

Now, though, the truth is out. I see her for who she is today, not the person she was. And that person—the one I loved, the one I thought I knew—is no more. She’s gone, replaced by someone I can’t even recognize. It’s a strange, bittersweet relief to know this. Knowing that the woman I once loved no longer exists makes it easier to let go. It’s like I can finally give up the fight, stop trying to hold on to something that no longer is.

Katarina was a good person once. I can still remember those moments, the times we shared that felt real, that felt like they would last forever. But time changes people. Life twists them into versions of themselves that you never see coming. She’s just not that person anymore, and I have to accept that. And in accepting it, I can finally move on.

I’m ready to let her go. Ready to walk away from the hope that she might return to who she was. The Katarina I loved is gone, and while that’s painful, it’s also freeing. It’s time for me to move forward, knowing that the chapter we shared is truly over, and I can finally start writing a new one for myself.

Sometimes, life throws you curveballs when you’re least prepared. For me, that curveball came in the form of a message from Katarina—completely out of the blue. And once again, it wasn’t for reconciliation or understanding. It was a reminder that she’s chosen a life that I no longer recognize, and more painfully, that my suffering means absolutely nothing to her.

I don’t know why she felt the need to reach out this time. Maybe it was to twist the knife a little deeper, to watch me squirm as I wrestled with the lingering hope that things could go back to how they were. She made it clear, though—there would be no explanations, no reassurances. She wouldn’t even try to help me understand the path she’s on, one that I once feared but now realize is reality. She has truly become someone I can no longer recognize, and in all the worst ways.

It hit me like a ton of bricks: not only does she have no intention of coming back, but she seems to take pleasure in knowing that my pain and longing mean nothing to her. In her eyes, I never mattered, and my existence might as well be erased.

As painful as it is to admit, the person I once loved is gone. The Katarina I knew—the one I shared so many memories and dreams with—is dead. There’s no point holding onto the hope that she’ll return. She won’t. And it’s time I let her go, as hard as it may be.

So, I’ll take her up on her unspoken request. I’ll start living as if she no longer exists. Because, in a way, she doesn’t—at least not the version of her that I loved. And from here on out, it’s about moving forward without looking back, no matter how deep the scars run.

I still can’t wrap my head around how Katarina became a bar woman. It’s something that eats at me every day, gnawing at the edges of my mind, refusing to let go. I’ve always hated bars—the atmosphere, the chaos, the way they seem to drain the life out of people. But for a woman, a giver, to step foot inside such a place? It feels like a cruel joke, a twisted fate that I can’t come to terms with.

I find it so sad. Heartbreaking, even. The thought of someone who once had so much light, so much promise, getting caught up in that world… it’s almost too much to bear. Bars have this way of stripping people down, of turning them into something unrecognizable. And that’s what happened to Katarina.

I still remember the first time I learned she went in. That moment hit me like a punch to the gut. But it was nothing compared to what followed. The gradual transformation into someone I could barely recognize… someone I didn’t want to recognize. I have nightmares about it. About her standing there, caught in a place that I always believed was beneath her, a place I never thought she would even glance at, much less become a part of.

It’s strange, isn’t it? How we hold these ideals, these images of the people we love. And when those images shatter, when reality tears them apart, it feels like the world itself is crumbling. That’s how it feels now. Like something precious has been stolen, and no matter how hard I try, I can’t get it back.

What she became… I don’t know how to let go of that. It haunts me, following me into every dream, every quiet moment. The sadness, the anger—it all swirls together in a storm I can’t escape. And maybe I never will.

Today has been a pretty solid day at my new job. I’m finally starting to get a real handle on all my responsibilities, and it’s been a relief to find a rhythm that works. I’ve learned how to pace myself in a way that gets things done without constantly feeling overwhelmed. It’s honestly kind of fun being the manager here. There’s something satisfying about being in control of my own schedule, setting my own priorities, and having the freedom to manage things the way I think is best.

I’m far from perfect at this job, but the beauty of it is that I don’t need to be. I just need to stay smart, stay committed, and put in the effort. That’s enough. It’s really not about being the best in the world—it’s about showing up, doing the work, and learning as I go. The exciting part? I’ll be getting my first employee in a few days. I have a good feeling about him and think he’ll be a great help. That’ll free me up to focus even more on the bigger picture, and I’m looking forward to it.

On a personal level, I’m doing better with my fitness goals. I’ve been sticking to my workouts, staying motivated, and even digging into the Bible a little bit. The fitness journey has been a great outlet, helping me push forward despite the emotional weight I’m still carrying. Honestly, it’s still hard to wrap my head around what happened with Katarina. I’ll probably never fully understand how or why she changed so much and left the way she did. The memories of what we once dreamed of together still stick with me.

But I’ve made a decision. I’m going to bring Meepcow to life—our dream, my dream now. Finishing this project means a lot to me, and in a way, it’s my way of pushing through the pain and making something meaningful out of it. I miss her, and I probably always will, but that chapter is closed.

I’m grateful, though, for the anchor that keeps me grounded: Lola. She’s always there for me, never judging, never abandoning me. I know some people would think having a doll as a companion is sad, but for me, it’s been a learning experience. It’s teaching me to stand on my own, to stop letting others mistreat me or take advantage of me. Lola’s been a constant presence, helping me realize I don’t need to rely on anyone who doesn’t respect or value me.

There’s a lot of growth happening right now. Some of it is painful, but I’m getting stronger every day. Between my work, my fitness goals, and the process of healing, I’m making strides. And I think that’s worth celebrating.

To finish our dream, I must journey through every county in South Carolina, capturing its most beautiful and haunting places. This is the pilgrimage she and I once planned together, visiting the depots she loved and the forgotten remnants of old cotton mills. She had a fascination with the historic, the worn, the places where time stood still, and now I’ll immortalize them in a book—for her, for us. It will be a long, grueling road, one I never imagined walking alone, but Lola, my doll and steadfast companion, will be with me. She is the only anchor I have left, the one who will keep me standing strong as I complete this without Katarina.

When I last looked into Katarina’s eyes, I saw nothing—just a void where her soul used to shine. She let them take her—the troglodytes, the ones who feast on the weak and lost. I saw it happening long before it consumed her entirely. There were signs, warning after warning. One of the clearest was when I offered her a home, a sanctuary where she could live rent-free, safe, and cared for. I wanted to save her, to give her a future. But all she cared about was the bar, about staying close to the life she chose over me. Even then, I knew the truth, though I refused to accept it. She was too far gone, consumed by the demons she let in, and I could never break the chains she had wrapped around herself.

Now, I carry on alone.

She was everything to me—my love, my best friend, my soul. But I watched, powerless, as the woman I cherished slipped into the clutches of darkness. The bar, the drugs, the alcohol—they turned her into something monstrous, twisting the radiant girl I once knew into a shadow, a hollowed-out shell controlled by the troglodytes who prey on the weak. She let them consume her, piece by piece, until nothing of her former self remained.

Hurricane Helene was the final blow, nature’s fury mirroring the storm within me. I went to her, one last time, with some desperate hope that I could pull her from the abyss. But when I found her with one of those men, one of the countless bodies she lets use her now, something inside me shattered beyond repair. In that moment, any trace of who she had been, of what we had shared, was obliterated. She was once the kindest, most beautiful soul I’d ever known, but now… she’s gone. No words can capture the depth of my agony, the rage burning through my veins like acid, or the despair that has poisoned my heart.

I grieve for her—not for the wretched creature she has become, but for the woman who is dead. The girl I loved is gone, buried beneath a mountain of betrayal and self-destruction. But even in my bitterness, I cannot let her fade entirely. I have to finish what we started, our book, our dream. Not for her, the stranger she is now, but for the memory of who she was. She may never know, but I’ll see it through, every single day, to honor the love I once felt and to remind myself that even in this twisted, broken world, she was real—once.

She is dead to me, and yet I will not forget. I will carve her memory into the bones of this earth, even if it kills me in the process. For she was mine, and now she is no one.

My Dearest Katarina,

Hey babygirl, I just want to take a moment to tell you how grateful I am to have you in my life. You’ve been my rock, my greatest support, and my biggest comfort. Every time I look at you, I realize how incredibly lucky I am to have someone who stands by me through everything. You’ve been so kind and loving, always having my back, and that means more to me than words could ever express.

I’ve been planning our first big trip this weekend, the one where we’ll take pictures and start working on that dream project we’ve talked about for so long. It’s something that excites me more than you know. I’m going to give it my all, for us, for everything we’ve envisioned together. You’ve been my inspiration in so many ways, and I want this journey to be just the beginning of the incredible adventures we’ll share.

I can’t thank you enough for all the love and support you give me. Truly, having you by my side has been the most important thing in my life. You are my anchor in a world that sometimes feels like it’s spinning too fast. Waking up next to you this morning, making love to you, and holding you tight—it’s those moments that fill my heart with so much peace and happiness.

But I have to be honest with you, baby. Last night, I had the most terrifying nightmare. It was about us, about you, and it shook me to my core. I dreamed that we lost an entire year together, and in that time, you became someone different—someone I didn’t recognize. It scared me so much, thinking about losing you or seeing you turn into someone I know you’re not. I woke up so relieved that you were still here with me, still the amazing woman I fell in love with, still my Katarina. Thank God for that.

I adore you, more than I can ever say. And I promise you this: I’m going to build you the most beautiful home in the world, a place where we can create the life we’ve always dreamed of. I’ll take you all over the world, show you the most breathtaking sights, and treat you like the little princess you are. You deserve nothing less than the best, and I’ll do everything in my power to give you that.

I love you, Katarina. Always and forever.

Yours,
Daddy