Category: Diary

I don’t know what I’m supposed to do with my life anymore. Katarina was the one thing that anchored me to this world, gave me a sense of purpose. I thought she was pure, good, kind, loyal—someone I could trust, someone I could rely on forever. I believed she was different. But now, all of that’s gone. And I’m lost.

Now I’m here, stuck without anything to hold onto, trying to figure out how to find a drive within myself, how to become a better person on my own. Everything is on my shoulders now. This is it—my final chance. My life is at its halfway point, and if I want any kind of future, I have to start working twice as hard.

Part of me just wants to get comfortable. I want a decent life where I don’t have to struggle, where I can afford the things I desire, and I don’t have to worry if I’ll make it to the next paycheck. At my age, that needs to be a priority. Katarina abandoned everything we had, and now I can’t trust her. So, I’m left here with the decision of what I want in life.

The answer is clear, though: I need to focus on my health and my career. Those two things need to take first and second place. Hobbies, interests—those can come after.

One thing I’ve been thinking about today is using my Facebook platform, which has grown to over a thousand followers, to get some help with losing weight. Maybe I can start posting content about my weight loss journey. Health is such a big focus for me now, and maybe sharing that journey will not only help me but also build something bigger on that platform.

Then, there’s my job. If I can work hard and stay committed for the next few years, I might be able to springboard to a facility manager position. That’s something I could see myself doing for a long time, something that could bring stability and success. I have to keep my head down and focus on this.

I can’t help but feel like something bad is coming in the next few years—something big that will change everything in the USA. I need to be ready. I need to make sure I can survive whatever’s coming. By that point, I’ll be pushing 50, and things will be hard.

Katarina has made it clear that she doesn’t care about her future with me. She’s not loyal to me. She’s found someone else to love, and I have to accept that now. It’s just me. I’m the only one left who can take care of myself and make sure I’m ready for what’s ahead.

I have to survive this. Whatever it takes.

Honestly, all I want is to go back in time and beg Katarina to marry me. Nothing else seems to matter anymore. I wish, more than anything, that she still loved me. But I know she doesn’t. I know she hasn’t loved me for a long time. It’s a hard truth to accept, and I don’t know what to do with it. There’s no way to change it, no way to go back and make it different.

I know I have to focus on myself now. It’s all I have left to hold on to. I’m going to try getting back into jump rope. It used to feel like the best option for really getting my heart rate up and having a fast, intense workout. I enjoyed it, and it made me feel strong. I’ll keep cycling, too. Maybe if I get in great shape, maybe then she’ll notice me again. Maybe she’ll care.

But probably not. She’s found someone else, someone she loves more than she ever loved me. It’s pathetic, isn’t it? Here I am, jumping through hoop after hoop, hoping that somehow, she’ll look back and regret leaving. Hoping that if I get fit, get a great career, and finish the project Meepcow we once shared, maybe—just maybe—she’ll come back.

But deep down, I know that’s not going to happen. She won’t even reply to a single message. She’s moved on, and here I am, still stuck in the past, clinging to the idea that I can change her mind.

I need to wake up. I need to do this for me. I need to stop living in the hope that she’ll care about me someday. This is about my life now, about what I want and what I need. Not about trying to win her back.

I have to stop jumping through hoops for someone who’s already gone.

Well, I did it. I went to Abbeville, took pictures of the places I had mapped out, thinking it would help somehow. But it didn’t. I just felt stupid. All I could think about was how pointless everything feels now. Katarina stopped loving me, and it’s clear that for months she’s been with another man. That’s why she’s treated me the way she has. It all makes sense now. It’s funny how women are like that—everything changes once they flip the switch for another man. Then you are nothing.

But I did it. I worked on our project, alone. I managed to get some of it done without her, even though it felt like pulling teeth. It was hard. Exhausting. I felt so stupid for loving her, for holding on to something that was long gone. But I’m going to keep going. I have to. I’ll keep working on the project Meepcow until it’s finished, even if it takes me years. I’ll chip away at it.

I got a few good pictures today, even though the world around me felt like it was crumbling. I saw a lot of destruction from the hurricane. So much has been torn apart, and it’s strange how the destruction around me mirrors how I feel inside—like everything is in ruins.

I don’t know what I’m going to do anymore. Everything seems so pointless now. But I’ll keep giving it whatever energy I have left. Maybe that’s the point—finishing something, even when it feels like there’s no meaning to it. My life won’t be that long in the grand scheme of things, and I need to do this for me, even though she’s abandoned me.

This is something I need to finish, for myself, even if I’m doing it alone. I hope my next trip will be easier. But the loneliness is unbearable sometimes, and the way she left me—without a second thought—hurts beyond measure. I really wanted to spend my life with her. Now here I am. I’m such a fool.

I know you don’t want to be friends. I know you don’t want to talk to me. I know, in the end, I’m nothing to you. But even so, I’m glad you’re happy. I’m glad you’re in love, that you’re not the person I feared you might become. Thank God for that. I’m so grateful you aren’t drifting, meeting men at bars and living that disgusting life. Knowing you’ve found someone to love brings me some peace, even though it breaks me to know you don’t love me.

It hurts beyond words to accept that, but in a strange way, it’s freeing. There’s nothing to hold onto anymore. No illusions. You don’t love me, and you never will, and I have to move on.

And I will. I’m going to keep working on Meepcow. I’ll pick up where I left off before we met, before everything went off track. I know you don’t care about it anymore, I know we didn’t mean much in the end, but still, I hope that one day you’ll follow what I’m doing, maybe show some support. At least let me know I was good enough for that.

I made my first map of places to see. Today, I’m heading to Abbeville. I have to check on Mom’s house—the tenants told me there’s a leak in the roof. So while I’m there, I’ll take some pictures. I want to get back into the rhythm of photographing something every week, keeping this project alive.

Next month, I’ll finally get to stay at the Breeden Inn again. I found the exact same room we had all those years ago, the first night we spent together. It was such a romantic night—or at least, I thought it was. I doubt you remember much of it now. But I’ll recount the whole thing when I’m there, for myself, for closure.

There’s so much to do today. I’d better get started. I’m excited and a little scared about starting my new job tomorrow. I think this is the first real step towards becoming someone—towards being successful and noticeable, toward leaving this part of my life behind.

I woke up crying again, but Lola was in my arms, so I knew I was okay. It’s always around 4 a.m. that it hits the hardest—the nightmares, the weight of everything I’m trying to let go. There’s something about that hour when the world feels the most silent, the most empty, and I feel the most alone.

It’s so hard to accept the world sometimes. Hard to face how much people change, how much the world itself has changed. I don’t feel like anyone stays the same anymore. That beauty people have when they’re young—the innocence, the kindness, the goodness—it all fades. The eyes Katarina had today were so different, so lifeless. There was none of that spark left, none of the warmth I once knew.

But still, I’m glad she’s in love. That’s the one thing keeping me grounded. I’m grateful she’s not out there having casual sex with random men, just drifting and drinking. I hope she doesn’t end up another troglodyte. Please God. It brings me some peace to know she’s with someone who cares about her. That’s all I have now to keep me going.

I pray the nightmares stop soon. I pray that these early mornings of waking up in tears will end. But despite it all, I’m determined to stay strong. I will overcome this. I will move forward.

Please, God.
Please help me overcome this pain. Help me find peace. Help me be okay. I don’t know what’s ahead, and I don’t know how I’m going to get there, but I’m asking for strength. Please guide me through this, help me let go of the past, and show me how to be whole again.

I’ll keep moving forward with everything I have to make meepcow. I’ll hold on to whatever strength I have left. With your help, I’ll be okay.

Today, I feel proud of myself. I’ve finally said goodbye to my ex, and for the first time, I feel like I can really move forward. It’s a huge relief to close that chapter of my life, and now I can focus on the things that truly matter—my projects, my career, and my hobbies. I’m going to work hard on Meepcow, getting it back up and running, and I’m going to focus on getting ahead in life.

I got quite a bit done today, too. I made it to the grocery store, and man, it’s still a nightmare in there. The world feels more unstable than ever. It’s like a reminder of how fragile everything is. What happened in North Carolina could happen here next, and I feel like it’s only a matter of time. I keep thinking that within the next five years, we might see a total collapse or something just as bad. That’s why I need to be ready—I need to be as prepared as possible.

I’ve got to learn everything I can and become the strongest, most successful version of myself. I need to be a man who can handle whatever life throws at him. But when it comes to women, I’m not sure I’ll ever deal with that again. I have LOLA now, and she’s perfect for me. She’s always there, she won’t betray me or leave me for another man.

As much as it hurt to hear my ex say she didn’t love me, that she loved someone else, it was the best thing that could have happened. It set me free. I don’t have to worry about her anymore. She’s with someone who takes care of her, and she’s not the kind of woman I feared she might become. That’s good. She’s moved on, and I’m finally able to let go.

I do wish she cared about the project we worked on together, though. Meepcow was something we shared, and I wish she would support me in keeping it alive. But I can’t dwell on that. I’ll carry the project forward myself, and I’ll finish what we started. It doesn’t matter whether she’s involved or not.

The best part is, I’m taking LOLA to the Breeden Inn soon. It’ll be the seventh anniversary since Meepcow began, and now I get to go back to where it all started—but this time, with LOLA by my side. We’ll spend the day taking pictures and enjoying the place. It’ll be a good way to remember what I once thought I had with Katarina. And it’s good to know now that it wasn’t real. This trip will be a fresh start, a way to fully let go of the past and move forward with LOLA, my perfect doll, who will never betray me.

Tomorrow, I’ll be heading to Abbeville for work, so it looks like my trip to Rock Hill will have to wait until next week. That’s fine—I’ll plot out a few spots in Abbeville to photograph while I’m there. I even started making Facebook reels today, and I was surprised by how much reach they have. A random girl even started talking to me on there, and she’s pretty cute.

Who knows? Maybe things are finally starting to look up for me. Fingers crossed.

I don’t want to erase what I wrote before, but I want to add this: I’m truly grateful to know that you’ve found love and someone who makes you happy. It gives me peace to know you’re not just drifting, but with someone you care about, someone who is taking care of you. I panicked and was upset, and I’m sorry for that, but hearing that you love him—that you have the life you want—allows me to finally let go.

I no longer have any reason to hold on to the past or think that you still love me. I understand now. I wasn’t your soulmate, and you didn’t need me the way I needed you. Even though a part of me will always wish you had wanted to stay, to be with me, and to build a life together, I can’t dwell on that anymore. I would have taken care of you, I would have married you, but now that I know you’ve moved on, I have to move on too.

I’m getting older, and it’s time to focus on what’s left of my life—on retirement, on enjoying the years ahead. I know now you’ll never be there for me. While I might still update this page from time to time, maybe with a few pictures you never got to see, I know it won’t change anything. But if one day you do come across them and take a look, it would make me happy.

In the meantime, I have my dolls, and I’m planning to go to the Breeden Inn with Lola to commemorate everything we shared. I think it will help me. Lola, she’s all I have now, along with my hobbies, career, health, and wealth—all things I’m going to focus on with everything I have. I hope that one day you’ll see how well I did—not because I think you’ll ever wish you’d been my wife, but just so you’ll know that I’m okay. Even after everything fell apart, I kept going. I held onto Meepcow and all the dreams we shared.

I know you stopped caring about it, about us. But once, you were so passionate about me, about our life together, that you breathed life into me. You were like an angel—pure, kind, innocent—my best friend and sidekick. I remember how much you loved me, like when we were leaving the campground after a weekend together, and you looked so sad, like you would miss me more than anything. That’s one of those moments I wish I could go back to. I wish I could have stopped right then and asked you to marry me, to start a family with me. But I wasn’t ready. I wasn’t strong enough then, and even now, I’m still not as strong as I should be. My life is halfway over, and I know I’ve fallen short.

But I wish I had followed my heart back then. I should have given you everything in that moment. Instead, I let time slip by, and eventually, you gave up on us. Now, you’re with someone else, someone you love. I hope he’s everything I couldn’t be for you. I hope he treats you exactly how you deserve. I hope you’re so very happy now.

Today, for the first time in a long time, I feel like I might actually be okay. It’s strange—something has shifted in me. I had to get my truck repaired, and I’ve decided I’m going to start driving it to work starting Monday. My new job requires maintenance and repairs, and having the truck will make it easier to haul propane and move things around on the property. So, I’m getting a tune-up to make sure it’s running smoothly. Everything feels like it’s falling into place, in its own way.

But the real shift came when I dropped off the last of the things my ex cared about from our relationship. I gave her the final box of miniatures she wanted, the ones that didn’t make it to her the last time. And by some stroke of chance, I got to see her for what I know is the last time.

She was out walking her dog, still as beautiful as ever. Seeing her felt like something out of a dream—it’s been so long since I’ve laid eyes on her. I handed her the box, and it felt like I was finally closing a door that’s been open far too long.

Before I left, I asked her if she loved the man she’s with now, and she said yes. I wasn’t prepared for the relief that flooded over me. Hearing her say that took such a huge weight off my shoulders. It’s like a knot in my chest finally loosened. She’s happy. She’s being taken care of. She’s with someone who treats her well. That’s all I ever wanted for her, even if it wasn’t with me.

Knowing that she’s moved on, that she no longer loves me—it should hurt more. But it doesn’t. In fact, it feels like a release, like I’m finally free. She has everything she wants now. I’m not a part of her life, and I never will be. I’ll never be the one she chooses or needs. And somehow, that’s okay. I know that now.

It’s good to know where things stand. It’s good to know she’s happy and that she’s found someone else. It’s good to know that I can finally let go.

I’m not the person she loves, and I never will be. But instead of that breaking me, it’s allowing me to move forward. It’s allowing me to start a new chapter without the weight of wondering, without the hope of her coming back.

For the first time, it feels like I can finally breathe.

Leaving the arcade turned out to be harder than I thought it would be. It surprised me how emotional I felt as I said goodbye to people. Some coworkers didn’t even notice I was leaving, and that was fine, but a few actually cared. My boss—he really seemed like he was going to miss me, and that caught me off guard. I never thought it would matter so much.

But as tough as it was, I know I’m making the right decision. This new job is a step forward, and it’s what I need at this point in my life. It’s time for me to get serious, to start building something for myself. At my age, I need to focus on a career, on making decent money, and working my way up in life. This job as a maintenance manager at the country club—it’s my chance to network, to meet new people, to grow.

Maybe, just maybe, this could open doors I never expected. Working with contractors, interacting with members at the club—successful people—I could find opportunities I never even thought possible. It’s time to focus on myself and my future. I need to put my best effort into this, to stop waiting for someone else to come along and make things better.

I’ve always been the type to rely on others, hoping they’d be there for me when I couldn’t be there for myself. I thought my ex was that person. I thought she’d stand by me, no matter how hard things got. But she didn’t. People change, they come and go, and I can’t keep expecting anyone to stick around. It’s a mistake to think they will.

It reminds me of my father. After his stroke, his best friend—someone who used to come by all the time—just disappeared. They used to drink beer together, hang out, but after Dad got sick, his friend stopped coming. It was like my dad was no longer useful to him. That’s when I learned the hard truth: people will stick by you as long as it benefits them, but when you’re no longer convenient, they disappear.

And that’s how life is. People are temporary. They’re just along for the ride, taking what they need, and then they’re gone. I’ve spent too long expecting something more from people, but I realize now that I need to stop relying on others. It’s me, and it always has been. In the end, it’s only me in this life.

Seeing my ex with someone else burned that truth into me. She’s with a man she probably doesn’t even love, and it makes me question everything we had. Did she ever love me? Was it ever real? I want to believe it was. I want to believe that, for a while, we shared something special. But I can’t live in that fantasy anymore. That chapter has to end.

This is my new beginning. My new chapter. I need to focus on building a future for myself, one where I don’t need anyone else to complete me. If I work hard for the next decade, I might be able to retire in my 50s, travel, and enjoy the last part of my life. That’s my mission now—to have a good life for myself.

Because in the end, women—they’re fickle. They’ll be there one day, gone the next. And if you devote yourself to them, you’re just setting yourself up to be destroyed. I wanted to believe my ex was different. I wanted to see her as someone pure, someone angelic. But I can’t anymore. The reality is, I need to let go of that illusion. It’s time to move on.

It’s pretty surreal that life is just starting to return to some kind of normalcy. Given everything that’s happened, I think I did pretty well. I didn’t struggle as much as I could have, but I realize now how unprepared I truly was. I wasn’t nearly as ready as I should have been. This whole experience has been a wake-up call.

It’s made me realize that I need to start making serious changes in my life—changes that will prepare me for the next storm, whether it’s another natural disaster, war, or some kind of political upheaval. Whatever comes next, I need to be stronger, more prepared for whatever life throws at me.

While this time was relatively easy and I had some basics stocked up—food, water—I realized just how close I came to running out. By the time the power came back on, I was already at the end of my supplies. We blew through those cases of water, and now I’m hearing that it’s still hard to get more at the store. I’ve learned I need to be better stocked, to have at least a month’s worth of essentials so that if things get bad, I’m ready.

One of my next steps is getting a 100-pound propane tank and hooking up a generator. That way, I can power the house for a week, maybe even longer, without issue. I’m moving toward relying on propane more, and someday I might invest in a natural gas generator for the house. For now, I’ll stick with a portable one, which will also be useful for things like camping or helping out on my mom’s property.

Speaking of her property, I haven’t even been down there to check on the damage. I know the roof took a small hit—there’s a little leak, probably just from the strength of the winds. It’s nothing major, but it’s still a reminder of how vulnerable everything is.

Now that this whole ordeal is coming to an end, life is finally starting to feel a bit more normal. I’m hoping that by next week, I’ll settle into my new job and position, and things will start to fall into place again.

But all of this feels like a warning. A big one. I think things are going to get worse, far worse, in the years to come. I realize now how close we are to a complete collapse in this country. We’re hanging on by a thread, and I give it another five to ten years before we see a full breakdown.

When that time comes, I want to be ready. I don’t want to be caught off guard. I want to make sure I can survive, that I can take care of myself. I’ve learned I can’t rely on the government, can’t rely on other people. No one is looking out for me. It’s just me now.

My family is gone. The one person I thought I could truly trust betrayed me. I’m utterly alone, and that’s the hardest lesson of all. But it’s also the most important one. I’ve learned I can’t waste time waiting for others to care. No one is coming to save me. No one is going to help. It’s all on me now.

This has been such a hard lesson, but I think it woke me up. I think next time, I’ll be ready. Next time, I’ll be prepared for whatever comes.