Learning to Live with Your Absence
As time passes, I’m gradually accepting that you’re no longer a part of my life. There are moments, though, when I find myself wanting to reach out, just to hear your thoughts. I imagine the things that might cross your mind these days, but I know, realistically, I’m probably far from your thoughts. I wonder how you felt when Trump became president again—did you even care? These small things I wish I could ask you, little pieces of you I miss.
Every day has been an exercise in survival. You’ve taken something irreplaceable from me, leaving a part of myself hollow and missing. You truly were my world, my better half, and now I’m trying to rebuild without the foundation we once had. It’s surreal, crafting a new life without even the comfort of hearing your voice.
Someday, I hope you might see the effort I put in every single day, working to piece myself back together. I want you to know that even though everything fell apart, I never lost sight of how truly remarkable I thought you were. There was a time when I believed you were the best part of my life, someone rare and wonderful. It still stings to know that the life you’re leading now is so far from the dreams we once shared. I’ve had to force myself to let go of the person I once loved, the memories of you that I cherished.
I’ve started to think of you as someone who no longer exists—the girl I loved is dead and gone, replaced by someone I no longer recognize. That version of you that I adored, that I would’ve built a life around, has faded. Accepting this has been easier than dwelling on how it all unraveled, how the future we’d envisioned slowly slipped away as you drifted toward choices I could never understand. It’s painful, knowing you’re someone I can’t reach, someone who chose a path I’d never imagined you would.
It broke my heart to see you transform, to watch as you became a stranger who spent nights in bars, always looking for the next thrill. I never saw you as the kind of person who would find solace in that life. To reconcile the girl I loved with the choices you’ve made now—it’s been impossible. And so, I let myself think of you as gone, not in a bitter way, but in a way that lets me finally move forward.
With each day, I try to hold on to the parts of myself that remain, to find strength in a world without you, even if it’s a world I never wanted.